[madmel]

Ei mäleta kas old aga üks retsidevistide anekdoot.
Läheb mees trepist ülesse ja lohistab last jalgupidi järgi nii , et pea käib vastu treppi edasi tagasi.
Teine mees vaatab kõrvalt ja ütleb"Kuule ära jama mees, tal võib ju müts peast ära tulla"
"ei ole hullu", vastab esimene mees" ma lõin selle naelaga kinni"

[Ernits]

Masohhist ja sadist istuvad kongis.
Masohhist paluma: "Piina mind!"
Sadist vastu: "Ei piina!"

8)

[madmel]

Kaks pidurit istuvad toas
Äkki uksekell.
Läheb 15 minti mööda ja üks pidur ütleb "Uksekell vist oli"
Läheb järgmine 30 minutit mööda ja siis ütleb teine "Oli jah"
Kulub jälle oma 30 minti...."Mine tee lahti siis"
pooltunnikest möödas jälle....." okei"
Läheb teeb siis ukse lahti ja ukse taga olev mees imestab
"Krt vaevalt jõutsin kella lasta ja juba tormate avama"


Tuleb USA sõdur venemaalt tagasi ja räägib omadele
"Krt küll neil alles sõjavagi, täielikud retsid, isegi relva ei anta kätte ja hüütakse neid "stroibatiks""

[reitz90]

[infidel]

Stroibat ehk Stroitelnõi bataljon (võin käändes eksida) tähendab ehituspataljoni. Selle üksuse eesmärgiks oli igasuguste objektide ehitamine ja sinna läksid need, kes usuliste veendumuste tõttu relva kätte ei võtnud. Lisaks saadeti sinna need, kelle kätte relvi ei usaldatud.
Anekdootides aetakse seda aeg-ajalt sassi disbatiga (distsiplinarnõi bataljon), kuhu saadeti korduvate jõhkrate määrusterikkumiste eest. II ilmasõja ajal ka näiteks taganemise eest. Maakeeli on see trahvipataljon.

Asja mõte on selles, et nendesse koondusid valdavalt igasugused retsid.

Illustreerivaks näiteks selline anekdoot (võib-olla siit ka läbi käinud)

II maailmasõda. Idarinne. Kaevikus on kõrvuti vana olija ja alles rindele saadetud noorsõdur. Eemalt lähenevad punaarmeelased hüüdega "Za rodinu!" (Kodumaa eest)
Noorsõdur: Tulevad ja tapavad! Põgeneme!
Vana: Ei põgene veel, need alles tavalised väeosad.
Vana astub kuulipritsi juurde ja laseb ründajad maha.

Tulevad järgmised karjudes "Za Stalinu" (Stalini eest)
Noorsõdur jälle paanikas, vana olija rahustab maha, et need alles parteilaste väeosad. Pisut kuulipritsi ja korras.

Siis tuleb mingi kahtlane kamp, röökides läbisegi igasugu roppusi.
Vana olija: See on trahvipataljon. Nüüd põgeneme!

[g2pard]

Üks sugulane rääkis, muidugi tema suust olid need igaljhul palju naljakamad.
1.)"Natuke" ropp:
K:Mis on ühist v**u lakkumisel ja poliitikal?

V:Kui keel vääratab siis on pe**es.

2.) Ment peab auto kinni ja...
Ment: Mis on teie nimi.
Autojuht: Pütt,......Erki Pütt. Ja palju ma siis trahvi saan?
Ment: Kuussada,.....tuhat kuussada.

(kirjutades kahjuks ei kõla nagu rääkides)

[inzz]

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me
that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened
it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

Allikas

[MelesMeles]

Mikey walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies Mikey. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, you know, just like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"



"I dunno...Never found the head"


***

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

[g2pard]

Täna üks tüüp rääkis:

Juku läheb oma klassiga ekskursioonile.
Seal ütleb Juku õpetajale: "Tead, ma pole harjunud üksi magama. Kodus koguaeg magan emaga ühes ühes voodis. Ma ei julge üksi"
Niisiis võtab õpetaja Juku oma telki.
Natukese aja pärast Juku jälle: "Tead kodus ma magan koguaeg nii, et näpp on emal nabas, nii on julgem tunne"
Õpetaja pole jälle vastu ning laseb Jukul näpu oma nabasse panna.
Natukese aja pärast õpetaja: "Kuule Juku, see pole enam naba"
Juku vastu: "Ega see pole näpp kah enam"

[vladimir]

P*de oli nii kole et pidi naisi panema...

[matux]

Mis on ühist põllumehel ja p*derastil?


Mõlemad külvavad oma seemne sita sisse...

[zzzzz]

Ei tea kas olnud aga...
Kord ammu kui kõik veel puude otsas elasid, tuli jumal ja palus "Tulge nüüd puu otsast alla ja saage inimesteks"
Läheb ta siis mõne aja pärast tagasi vaatab, et kõik on ilusti alla tulnud peale kahe. Palub ta siis uuesti ,et tulge teie ka alla ja Hakake inimesteks, seepeale küsitakse sealt vastu "Tševo?"

rääkides kuidagi naljakam 8)

Edit:sry topelt posti pärast

[fiddler]

error your computer is not on

[markus808]

eestlane, venelane, sakslane ja prantslane sõidavad taksoga, sõidavad juba päris tükk aega aga ikka midagi ei juhtu, järsku viskab eestlane prantslase taksost välja, teised küsivad kohe, et miks sa nii tegid, "ta rikkus hea anekdoodi ära" sõnas eestlane.

[clemm]

Mida teha, kui näed enda ees rohelist mehikest?


Tuleb üle tee minna.

[MelesMeles]

TRUE FRIENDS

Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound
good but aren't very realistic?
Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much
worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. "Why?" you may ask. Because
you are my friend.


Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will
help you move a body.
Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

[Aix]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

-----------------------

A man and his wife were on their honeymoon. The husband took off his pants and handed them to his wife.

"See if they fit."

"They don't."

"Now you see who will wear the pants in this house." She thought a little while, and took off her panties and asked him to try them on.

"I can't get into these."

"And you won't, either, with that attitude."

[Unholy]

Subject: Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to
take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take
it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right ****in
number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe
that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct
number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!"
and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to
it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was
paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,
"You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is
John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're
familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him
back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting
for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in
his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had
his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is."

I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow
rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.
He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah,"
He screamed, "Stop calling me,"
I said, "Make me,"

He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34
Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer
parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, asshole,"
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax.
I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars,
an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.

[MelesMeles]

Raudtee ülesõidukohas jääb tõkkepuu taha seisma mootorrattur, tema taha hobuvanker ja selle taha auto.
Hobusel hakkab igav ja ta hammustab mootorratturit õlast.
Mootorrattur karjatab valu pärast ja lööb hobusele tagantkätt vastu nina. Hobune astub paar sammu tagasi, ajades vankri auto peale.
Autojuht tuleb välja ja virutab vankris istuvale talumehele vastu lõugu. Puhkeb kaklus.
Sel hetkel tuleb üks külamutt kitsega.
Ta seob oma kitse tõkkepuu külge kinni ja jäi seda nalja pealt vaatama. Rong sõidab mööda.
Tõkkepuu tõstetakse üles, kõik ülejäänud sõidavad minema, ainult mutt jääb nuputama, kuidas üles poodud kits tõkkepuu küljest kätte saada.



:::::


Alarge corporation recently hired several cannibals.

"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming
briefing.

"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for
something to eat, but please don't eat any of our employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and
I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has
disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks
we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOO, you had
to go and eat someone who actually does something."

[Max Powers]

Kohtuvad kolm meest
esimene tutvustab end: Bond, James Bond
teine mees tutvustab end: Ghali, Boutros Ghali, Boutros Boutros Ghali
kolmas mees tutvustab end: Damme, Van Damme, Claude Van Damme, Jean Claude Van Damme
siis kaks esimest meest langevad põrmu ja hüüavad: Sina oled meie jumal!


Tuli meiliga..

[g3n1us]

Selline variant ka veel, et:

Mr.Bond kõnnib baari sisse, näeb, et ilus naine istub leti ääres, rüüpab mahla. Läheb ja istub siis naise kõrvale maha ja tutvustab ennast: Bond, James Bond. Naine vaatab talle otsa ja ütleb: Tiit, Transvestiit.

[voyager_est]

[Max Powers]

[Ho Ho]

http://push.cx/2006/programming-is-like-sex
So true, so true.

[iceincube]