[HDvurle]

Kellassepa anekdoot. Kui õhtul kaks tundi taha ei keera, siis hommikul seisab.

[Mart352]

[HDTanel]

Spiderman 3?


Veel üks:


Haige


Veel saab siit vaadata http://explosm.net/comics/view.asp?id=112

[mihhkel]

pole nagu veel olnud...
eellugu: saksa keele tunnis oli teemaks 'ilusaim saksakeelne sõna'. kuna mul oli kiiresti sõna vaja (kodutöö tegemata ), ütlesin "Hottentottenmutter" (pärit alljärgnevast jutust, mida kunagi ammu lugenud olin) - mispeale õpetaja küsis, kas ta on meile "ühte teatavat" teksti näidanud (ei olnud) ja tuli siis varsti sellesamase tekstiga.
mõtlesin siis siia ka pista selle.
parima efekti saamiseks tuleks seda kas ise (pool)valjult lugeda või siis ette lugeda lasta.

Saksa keel on suhteliselt lihtne keel. Inimene, kes oskab ladina keelt ning omab oskust käänata, õpib selle ilma suuremate raskusteta ära. Sedasama kinnitavad kõik saksa keele õpetajad esimese tunni ajal.

Alustatakse der, des, den, dem, die jne õppimisega ning öeldakse, et kõik ülejäänu järgneb sellele loogiliselt. Lihtsus ise!
Et asja selgemalt esitada, toome ühe näite: esiteks tuleb osta saksakeelne raamat. Nt suurepärane nahkköites raamat, mis on trükitud Dortmundis ning räägib hotentottide (saksa k. Hottentotten) tavadest ja kommetest.

Raamat kirjeldab, kuidas kukkurrotid (Beutelratten) püütakse kinni ning pannakse puuri (Kotter), mis on kaetud riidega (Lattengitter) kaitseks ilmastiku vastu. Neid puure kutsutakse saksa keeles riidega kaetud puurideks (Lattengitterkotter) ning sellises puuris olevaid kukkurrotte Lattengitterkotterbeutelratten.
Ühel päeval arreteerisid hotentotid mõrtsuka (Attentater), keda süüdistati ühe rumala ning kogeleja (Stottertrottel) hotentotiema (Hottentottenmutter) tapmises.
See ema on saksa keeles Hottentottenstottertrottelmutter ning mõrtsukas Hottentottenstottertrottelmutterattentater.
Politsei püüdis mõrtsuka kinni ning pani ta kukkurrotipuuri (Beutelrattenlattengitterkotter), kuid mõrtsukas põgenes.
Otsekohe algas jälitus ning peatselt tuli üks valvuritest ja hüüdis: "Ma püüdsin mõrtsuka (Attentater) kinni!"
"Jah? Millise?" küsis ülemus.
"Lattengitterkotterbeutelratterattentateri," vastas valvur.
"Mida? Riidega kaetud kukkurrotipuuris oleva mõrtsuka?" küsis ülemus.
"Ei, selle Hottentottenstottertrottelmutterattentateri (inetu ning kogelejast hotentotiema mõrtsuka)," selgitas valvur.
"Ahaa, sa oleks võinud kohe öelda, et püüdsid kinni Hottentottenstottertrottelmutterlattengitterkotterbeutelrattenattentateri!"

Nagu siit näha võib, on saksa keel lihtne keel. On vaja ainult pisut huvi asja vastu.



siit leiab veel hästi paljudes keeltes (k.a saksa) sama teksti.

[gamzzz]

Dear Technical Support / Divorce on line,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,
which had used for years without any trouble. However, there are
apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution
was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other

applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. I tried a shareware
program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my
system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time,
but when the systems detected each other they caused severe damage
to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product

soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to
use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with
FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005. Shortly after this upgrade, however,
I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any
mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and
could not be deleted.

They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and
can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.

These latter products have no Help files and I have to try to guess what

the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating
regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and
Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive,

it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw,
which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress
2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the
fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your

Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please.

[NuCleo]

Väärt lugemine.


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I
don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your
physical needs as a man."

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several
different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her
new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she
asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, Let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either.

[MelesMeles]

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be
the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was
the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in
plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is
disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
"z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou"
and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl rite n styl

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

[Riivo]

Hallq jutu kinnituseks link
http://n0nst0p.on.masendav.org/euro-english.php

[Karr000]

Hitler kõnnib enne sõda Poolas ning väike armas poisu jookseb vastu.
"Mis su nimi on, poisu?"
"Petrov."
"Kui vana oled?"
"Ülehomme saan kümme!"
"Ei saa, poja...."

[aarnet]

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

[Iron miki]

Kolhoosi tuleb uus keevitaja . Esimeseks tööks antakse talle adra parandemine
Keevitab siis adra kinni ja traktor läheb põllule. 30 mintsa pärast traktor katkise adraga tagasi.
Laseb siis adra uuest kinni ja traktor jälle 30 mintsa pärast põllult tagasi.
Peale kolmandat keevitust tuleb traktor juba 15 mintsa pärast tagasi, ning kõik on päris kurjad juba, et
mis keevtiaja sa sihuke oled, keevitada üldse ei oska.
Keevitaja siis kohe vabandama, et tema oskab keevitada küll, venemaal keevitas ta allveelaevu, ning ükski neist ei tulnud tagasi.

[Ohohh]

Ühe Delfi kommentaatori kirjutatud:

Arvutiõpetaja lastele: Runnige IE, open url delfi.ee ja kopy-pastege see komment omale wordi. Seejärel savege dokument harddiskile ära. Nüüd võite kõik programmid kloseda ja arvutile turn offi teha. Tund tänaseks läbi, kohtume järgmine nädala at same time.

Minu arust hirmus naljakas. See on täpselt selliste kasutajate stiil, kes ütlevad, et kasutavad põhimõtteliselt ainult inglsekeelset tarkvara.

[Juhan88]

Heh..meie arvutiõpetaja on omaarust hull pro vend...räägib ka nii... Kõvaketta asemele ütleb HDD...seda lühendit peaaegu keegi klassis ei tea..peale minu ja veel mõne.
Üldse kasutab ta vahel nii raskeid sõnu, et jookseb ka ise oma lausetega ummikusse

[inzz]

Tüdruk saadab poisile kirja: "Tule homme minu juurde, kedagi pole kodus."
Järgime päev poiss läheb tüdruke juurde...
Ja kedagi pole kodus.

[obu90210]

Haige palatis heliseb telefon. Helistab raviarst:
"Vabandage, aga ma pean teid kurvastama, me leidsime teil süüfilise, AIDS-i, kollatõve, düsenteeria, pidalitõve, tripperi ja ebola."
Haige karjatab:
"Issand jumal! Aga te hakkate ju mind ikkagi ravima?"
"Muidugi hakkame! Alguseks määrasime me teile pannkoogidieedi."
"Aga kas see aitab?"
"Ässugi ta aitab! Aga pannkoogid on ainus toit, mis ukse alt sisse mahub!"

[me@homeq]

Väike poiss kuulis kuidas tema vanemad vaidlesid vihaselt:
"Lits" - karjus isa.
"Tõbras" - karjus ema.
"Mida see tähendab?" küsis väike poiss selle peale.
"Daamid ja härrad" - vastasid vanemad.
Järgmisel päeval olid vanemad magamistoas ja poiss kuulis:
"Oo millised rinnad"
"Mmm milline riist"
Jällegi tahtis poiss teada, mida vanemad ütlesid.
"Ee.. kübarad ja mantlid" - vastasid vanemad.
Järgneval päeval oli oodata külalisi.
Poisi isa ajas habet ning lõikas endale sisse.
"Sitt" hüüdis ta kohe.
"Issi, mida see tähendab?"
"See... on habemeajamiskreemi nimi."
Poisi ema aga lõikas samal ajal kana lahti ja lõikas endale kogemata sõrme:
"Kepp küll" karjatas ema.
"Emme mida see tähendab?"
"Eee.. see tähendab, et ma lõikan kana."
Helises uksekell ja väike poiss jooksis külalistele vastu:
"Tere tulemast piixud ja tõprad, riputage oma rinnad ja riistad varna. Isa määrib praegu sitta oma näole ja ema on köögis ning kepib kana.

[jaani8]

Bussis sõidab vindine mees. Üks naine hakkab teda hurjutama:
"Te olete purjus! Te olete ropult purjus! Te olete rõvedalt purjus!"
Joobnu silmitseb naist pealaest jalatallani ja põrutab siis vastu:
"Teil on kõverad jalad! Teil on ropult kõverad jalad! Teil on rõvedalt kõverad jalad! Aga mina olen homme kaine!"

[raxz]

"MISSID" tuleks "MALAISIAST" "BUSSIGA" "TENERIFELE" "BAARI" sõidutada, vot siis oleks alles "LIHTNE ELU"

[-angerjas-]

4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young
blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's
the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the
tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on
his cheek.

The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the
dark and she slapped him"

The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle
me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"

The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in
the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"

The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon

so I can slap that French twat again"

[hmekk]

miks ei peeta venemaal f1 võistlusi
vastus: seal mitte ei vahetatta 5 sekundiga kumme, vaidvärvitakse ära ja müüakse maha

[neros]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma comefirst. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abou ta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'."

[mihhkel]

IRW
(meenutab natuke seda: "The Italian guy who went to Malta")





keegi "Jah, härra peaministrit" vaatas täna? järjekordne irregular verb:
I give confidential briefings,
you leak,
he is being prosecuted under section 2A of the Official Secrets Act.
(eestikeelset tõlget ei mäleta )

ja veel sarnaseid:

I have an independent mind,
you are eccentric,
he is round the twist.

I am a genius,
you are a pretty smart fella,
he thinks he knows everything.

Men find me irresistable,
you are developing a reputation,
she is a slut.

I married a man who could support our children,
you only want him for his money,
she is no better than a whore.

I am beginning to show character in my face,
you are starting to show your age,
she is a poor raddled old hag.

I am a perfectionist,
you are a little fussy,
she is a control freak.

I am tactful,
you are economical with the truth,
he is a bare-faced liar.

I like my job,
you work too much,
he is a workaholic.

I am a freedom fighter,
you are a bit of a radical,
he is an internationally wanted terrorist.

I give my children space to make their own decisions,
you are very patient with your offsprings,
her kids are hooligans.

I use all the available time,
you are not very punctual,
he would be late for his own funeral.

I am not afraid to express my opinions,
you are talkative,
he never shuts up.

I like to experiment with new ideas,
you have an intellectual sense of adventure,
he would try 'anything', and not just once.

...and last but not least:

I have an extraordinary handwriting,
you shouldn't write in such a hurry,
he is a doctor.


mõnevõrra muudetud kujul pärit siit (esimene "Jah, härra peaministrist"). kas on tõlget ka vaja?

[.Scorps.]

[me@homeq]

Jokkis mees kirjutab liikluspolitseis seletuskirja:
--Sõidan mina rahulikult mööda teed, kui äkki hakkavad puud üle tee jooksma. Keerasin küll ühele, küll teisele poole ning kõik puud jõudsid ilusti üle. Ainult viimane jäi pisut hiljaks...--

Kaks blondiini on lennujaamas. Vaatavad üht lennukit ja üks ütleb teisele:
"Vaata, kui suured lennukid on! Ei tea, kuidas need lennukiröövid neid röövivad?"
Teine ütleb talle:
"Loll oled vä? Loogiline ju! Neid röövivad siis kui nad lendavad ja kui nad väiksed on, saad aru vä?!"

Juku mängib sõpradega hämaras väljas, kui järsku märkavad eemal aknast valgust. Liginevad, piiluvad sisse ja näevad, kuidas nägus neiu lahti riietub.
Järsku jookseb Juku ummisjalu minema. Teised jõuavad lõpuks järgi, siis küsivad:
“Mis sul ometi hakkas, kuhu nii kiire äkki?”
“Noh, mu ema ütles kunagi, et kui ma kas või vaatan midagi riivatut, muudab Jumal mu kõvaks kiviks. Ja kui ma nüüd aknast sisse vaatasin, tundsin altpoolt, et hakkab pihta…”

[punktiir]

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said,
c:?>Let there be light
Enter user id.
c:?>God
Enter password.
c:?>Omniscient
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:?>Omnipotent
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:?>Technocrat
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
c:?>Let there be light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:?>Create light
Done
c:?>Run heaven and earth
And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
c:?>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:?>Create firmament
Done.
c:?>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
c:?>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and
let the dry land appear and
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
c:?>Create dry_land
Done.
c:?>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
c:?>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:?>Create sun_moon_stars
Done
c:?>Run sun_moon_stars
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
c:?>Create fish
Done
c:?>Create fowl
Done
c:?>Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged
fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
c:?>Create cattle
Done
c:?>Create creepy_things
Done
c:?>Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:?>Create man
Done
c:?>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and
have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and
over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
Too many command operands. Try again.
c:?>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors.
c:?>Insert breath
Done
c:?>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
c:?>Move man to Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden does not exist.
c:?>Create Garden.edn
Done
c:?>Move man to Garden.edn
Done
c:?>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
c:?>Copy woman from man
Done
c:?>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
c:?>Create desire
Done
c:?>Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:?>Create freewill
Done
c:?>Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:?>Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
c:?>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:?>Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:?>Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:?>Create good, evil
Done
c:?>Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
1 errors.
c:?>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.
c:?>Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
c:?>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:?>Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again
c:?>Break
c:?>Break
c:?>Break
ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING
DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE
MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
c:?>Create new world
You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
before new ones can be created.
c:?>Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
c:?>Destroy earth confirmed
COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME
SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
12:00:01 AM, Sunday, March 8 God created Macintosh