[antoonio]

ju vist pole siit läbi käinud, otsing ei tuvastanud

Abbot and Costello's Computer Conversation
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. and if you don't remember them, ask your parents.....
For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".......

[neros]

Äkiline mõttevälgatus Windows Vista 100 miljoni $ teemat lugedes

Isa lapsele, kes kasutab Windows XP-d: "Kui sa korralikult õppima ei hakka, paneme su arvutile Windows Vista Starter Editioni peale"

[Jarmo]

THIS LADY IS GIVING BIRTH IN THE HOSPITAL AND THE DOCTOR DELIVERING THE BABY DELIVERS IT, CUTS THE UMBILICAL CORD, AND THEN THROWS THE BABY REALLY HARD AGAINST THE WALL. THE MOTHER AND FATHER START FREEKING OUT WHEN THE DOCTOR PICKS UP THE BABY BY IT'S LEG AND SLAMS IT AGAINST THE WALL AGAIN. THEN HE PICKS UP WHAT'S LEFT OF THE BABY, SMILES AT THE DEVISTATED PARENTS AND SAYS "I'M JUST MESS'N WITH YOU, IT WAS ALREADY DEAD.

[RMasta]

Jarmo kirjutas:

THIS LADY IS GIVING BIRTH IN THE HOSPITAL AND THE DOCTOR DELIVERING THE BABY DELIVERS IT, CUTS THE UMBILICAL CORD, AND THEN THROWS THE BABY REALLY HARD AGAINST THE WALL. THE MOTHER AND FATHER START FREEKING OUT WHEN THE DOCTOR PICKS UP THE BABY BY IT'S LEG AND SLAMS IT AGAINST THE WALL AGAIN. THEN HE PICKS UP WHAT'S LEFT OF THE BABY, SMILES AT THE DEVISTATED PARENTS AND SAYS "I'M JUST MESS'N WITH YOU, IT WAS ALREADY DEAD.

liiga julm, et olla naljakas..

Teemasse:

PANGAAUTOMAADI KASUTAMISE MEELESPEA
Meestele:
1. Soida pangaautomaadi juurde
2. Sisesta pangakaart
3. Sisesta PIN-kood
4. Vota raha, kaart ja kviitung

Naistele:
1. Sõida pangaautomaadi juurde
2. Kontrolli meiki tahavaatepeeglist
3. Lülita mootor välja
4. Pane võtmed ridiküli
5. Astu autost välja ja jaluta pangaautomaadi juurde, sest automaat
on üksjagu kaugel
6. Otsi ridikulist pangakaart üles
7. Sisesta kaart
8. Otsi ridikülist paberinutsak, millele on kirjutatud PIN-kood
9. Sisesta PIN-kood
10. Loe juhendeid vähemalt kaks minutit
11. Vajuta "Cancel"
12. Sisesta õige PIN-kood
13. Kontrolli kontojääki
14. Trüki see välja
15. leia ridikülist pliiats
16. Kirjuta kontojääk üles PIN-koodi kõrvale
17. Peida väljatrükk ridiküli
18. Vajuta raha väljavõtmise nupule
19. Loe abijuhendit
20. Võta raha
21. Mine autosse
22. Kontrolli meiki
26. Alusta liikumist
27. STOP
28. Tagasi pangaautomaadi juurde
29. Tule autost välja
30. Võta kaart ja kviitung
31. Tagasi autosse
32. Pane kaart rahakotti
33. Pane kviitung märkmiku vahele
34. Pane raha rahakotti
35. Tee ridikülis ruumi rahakotile ja märkmikule
36. Kontrolli meiki
37. Lülita sisse tagurpidikäik
38. Lülita sisse esimene käik
39. Sõida minema
40. Sõida kolm kilomeetrit
41. Vabasta käsipidur

[.Scorps.]

Mis on ühist Riigikogul ja kanalal?

• Igaühe tahtmiseks on ronida kõrgemale, nokkida kõrvalistujat ja s***uda alumistele pähe.

Allikas: Pealinna Uudised.

[Zoig]

[Taavi_R]

Jüri oli Mõisas, aga eemal Anne Veskis Loopis Uuno Evet Kividega. Samal ajal kui Rein Langil oli, läks Jaan omapead Krossi sõitma, sinna põllu peale, kus Ellen Niitis. Eemalt Võsast filmis Peeter, kuidas Tõnu Karguga tuli, Kalevi Kruus käes ja jõi Hillari Kohvi. Tõnis Mäe otsas Noolis Erki Reeta Linnast. Anu läks Jaani Kirsipuud Saagima ja Mart Juuris Jüri Tamme välja, hiljem Meelis Ladus kõik riita. Kui Maarja-Liis oli Ilusaks joodud, julges ka Marju Kuudist välja tulla. Siim Kallas selle peale juurde, kui Rein hõiskas, et Otasson. Kui Mart tuli uue Laariga, oli Lennartil Meri juba põlvini. Pidu oli täies hoos-Virge Naeris, Tõnu Kilkas ja Anu Sääris edasi-tagasi. Aga Maria tahtis, et teda Rahule jäetaks ja andis Henrile Laksu vastu pead. Heiti Hääletas Mardi poole Sallu, sest Heli oli Läätsed ära kaotanud. Kaie aga Kõrbes unistas, et oleks Peetriga Oja ääres...

[Miki Hiir]

Õpetaja andis lastele ülesande, kirjutada jutuke, mis lõppeks sõnadega:
"Mul on ainult üks ema."

Esimesena, nagu alati,luges oma jutu Malle:
"Suvel olime emaga Hispaanias. Võtsime päikest ja käisime ujumas. Aitäh sulle selle eest, ema! Mul on ainult üks ema!"

Järgmisena Kalle:
"Suvel olime emaga suvilas. Käisime emaga seenel ja marjul. Aitäh sulle selle eest, ema! Mul on ainult üks ema!"

Lõpuks anti sõna ka Jukule:
"Eila tulin koju ja tegin külmkapi lahti, et midagi süüa, kuna koolis mulle söögiraha ei maksta. Külmkapp oli tühi nigu kell. Aint kaks õlut oligi sees. Võtsin siis ühe ja lasin näljaga ära...
Samal ajal ärkas tagatoas ema, kel oli pohmakas ja kes hõikas:
"Juhannes,kuuled vä? Too mu kaks õlut otsekohe siia!"
Ja mina vastasin:
"Mul on ainult üks, ema!"

[OFFF]

Natuke IT-folkloori:

V2gev b6liina: Zhili-b6li tri admina:
http://www.arabi.ru/111

Vana Programeerija... v2ga imelik, aga otsingus tuhnimine ei andnud tulemusi, et see oleks siin olnud
http://okul.bumpclub.ee/arhiiv/vanaprogeja.html

Lugusid kalast kes armastas njuusi konffida:
http://okul.bumpclub.ee/arhiiv/kalajutud.html

A.

[Nganasan]

saadeti maili peale:

Dilly ja Dally olid äravahetamiseni sarnased kaksikud. Suureks kasvades Dilly abiellus, ning Dally, jäädes poissmeheks, soetas endale pisikese aerupaadi. Juhus aga tahtis nii, et varsti suri Dilly naine, ning mõni päev hiljem uppus ka Dally paat...

Nädal hiljem, jalutades mööda tänavat, kohtas Dally missis Hudsonit-kohaliku kirikuisa prouat. Missis Hudson, arvates, et Dally näol on tegemist Dillyga, noore leskmehega, kukkus kohe kurtma:

"Mul oli väga valus kuulda teie rängast kaotusest."
"Ma olen teile väga tänulik," vastas paadimees Dally,"kuid mul pole ta'st üldsegi kahju! Ta oli algusest peale vana ja mäda, lai pragu ees ja suur auk taga, mis suurenesid iga korraga, kui ma teda kasutasin. Toppisin sinna küll igasugust sodi, kuid see ei aidanud.Ta haises ikka mädanenud kala järgi, ning oli kogu aeg märg. Tagumine ots oli tal tugevasti kriimustatud ja sealt pealeronimine, polnud sugugi ohutu.

Möödunud nädalal", läks paadimees hoogu, "võtsid mu kolm sõpra ta endale laenuks. Noh, lõbu jaoks. Ma ütlesin neile, et nad temaga korralikult ümber käiks, kuid kus sa sellega! Need idioodid muidugi ronisid talle kõik korraga peale ja ta läks pauguga lõhki. Nii eest, kui tagant. Hee, nagu kaalikas!

Nüüd teda enam pole ja ma olen isegi õnnelik!"
Missis Hudson kaotas teadvuse...

[hype]

Müüa saksa lambakoer. Sööb kõike. Eriti armastab lapsi.

[.Scorps.]

A-UR ATTRACTIVE B-UR BEAUTIFUL C-UR CHARMING D-UR DELICIOUS E-UR EXCITING F-UR FUNNY G-UR GORGEOUS H-UR HEAVENLY I-IM J-JUST K-KIDDING

Allikas.

BTW, ega kellelgi seda raamatut müüa pole?


Lisaks: toksige telefoni noh 55iw i ja keerake mobla teistpidi.

[Cyberlord]

Aga miks üldse pannakse orkaanidele naiste nimed?

Vastus: tulles on nad märjad ja metsikud, aga lahkuvad koos sinu auto ja majaga.
8)

[liivakas]

Metsas elas sokk, kes kõikidele metsloomadele suhu andis. Lõpuks pani ka loomade kuningale - lõvile. See läks viimases hädas lohe juurde kurtma, et kuradi sokk on jube panija ning kuidas ta nüüd loomadele silma vaatab. Lohe siis vastab et okei, sinu meeleheaks söön soku ära.
Lendas metsa kohal, kuni märkas sokku ühe puu all onaneerimas. Lohe maandus soku juures ja lasi ühest peast paksu tossu välja.
"On sul hirmus, sokk?"
"On!"
Siis puhus lohe teisest peast pilve sädemeid.
"On sul hirmus, sokk?"
"On on!"
Siis purskas lohe kolmandast peast pahvaku tuld.
"On sul hirmus, sokk?"
"Oi kui hirmus, esimest korda hakkan nii hirmsale suhu andma!"

[Hardi]

A man walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender comes over and asks,
"What'll it be?"
"10 shots of tequila," the man replies.
"Damn, man! What's the occasion?" asks the bartender.
"First blow-job," the man says.
"Oh, really?" replies the bartender. "Congratulations! Here, lemme give you one more shot, on the house."
"Nah, don't bother," answers the man. "If 10 shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
source

[wazaa]

Samalt lehelt leitud kust hardi k leidis

A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. she dresses quickly and goes to find the him.
the son sees his mom and asks, "what were you and Dad doing?"

the mother replies, "well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time, " said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Üritan siiski viisakas kasutaja olla ja tõlgin asja ümber:

Väike poiss kõnnib vanemate magamistuppa ja näeb oma Ema hüppamas üles ja alla isa peal.Ema näeb poega ja hüppab kiirelt sadulast maha, muretsedes sellepärast mida ta poeg nägi.Ta riietub kiirelt ja läheb pojaga rääkima.Poeg näeb emat ja küsib "Mida te Isaga tegite?".Sellepeale ema vastab "Tead küll et su isal on suur kõht, vahepeal lähen ma selle peale ja üritan seda madalamaks teha". Poeg vastab sellepeale"Sa raiskad oma aega".Ema küsis "Miks nii?"
"Noh kui sa poodi lähed, siis naabrinaine tuleb laskub põlvili ja puhub ta jälle täis"

Pole küll kõige poarem inglise keele oskus, aga midagigi

[Dominus]

A man is about to marry the girl of his dreams, but she has a sister who is really slutty and hot She always hits on him and stuff like that. She wears low V Shirts and all the skanky clothing. The night before the wedding, he goes to his fiance's house to go out for dinner. He was surprised to find her sister on the couch. They sat and talked awhile until she got up and said to him.

"Everyone is gone for the night. If you want, we can go upstairs into my room and do it. I won't tell anyone. If you want to follow me, if not just leave." Then she walks upstairs slowly stripping her clothes as she walks up. The man sits there for a moment and ponders, then heads to the front door and walks out. He was suprised to find his fiance. She was soo happy that he didn't go for her sister, since it was all setup.

Moral of the story- ALWAYS keep your condoms inside your glove box in your car

[No_Limit]

Three men died and were taken by God to the top of a cliff. God said to them that since they had been such great outstanding citizens of earth that they would be given one chance to become anything that they desired.

The first man ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped into the air and shouted, "I want to be an eagle." Instantly he was changed into an eagle and soared off into the sunset.

The second man ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped into the air and shouted, "I want to be an owl." Instantly he was changed into an owl and soared off into the sunset.

The third man ran towards the edge of the cliff, tripped on a rock, and shouted, "Oh shit ..."

[Dominus]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'M BROKE!!!"

And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

[Hardi]

John hääletas suure tormiga tee ääres. Väljas oli juba pime, aga mitte ükski auto ei möödunud.
Torm oli nii tugev, et ta ei näinud endast meetri kauguselegi.
Järsku nägi ta ühte autot aeglaselt enda poole liikumas mis siis peatus.
John, kes hädaga varju otsis istus mõtlemata autosse ja sulges ukse, märgates,
et rooli taga pole kedagi ja mootor töötab.

Auto hakkas aeglaselt edasi liikuma. John vaatas teele ja nägi kurvi lähenemas. Hirmunult hakkas ta ome elu eest paluma.
Kuid siis, just enne kurvi tuli aknast sisse üks käsi ja keeras rooli.
John, hirmust kange, vaatas kuidas käsi ilmus koguaeg kui tuli mõni kurv.
Järsku nägi ta teeääres ühe pubi tulesid, kogudes jõudu, hüppas ta autost välja ja jooksis sinna.
Ta tormas sisse, märg ja rampväsinud, ning võttis 2 klaasi tequilat.
Siis hakkas ta kõigile oma hirmast kogemusest rääkima.
Ruumi saabus vaikus, kui nad aru said et ta nutab .. ja ei ole purjus.

Umbes 15 minuti pärast astusid samasse pubisse 2 meest. Nad olid samuti läbimärjad ja väsinud.
Vaadates ringi ning märgates nuuksuvat Johni, ütles üks neist teisele
"Vaata, Bruce .. siin se idioot ongi kes autosse ronis, kui me seda lükkasime."

Leitud siit http://www.neowin.net/forum/index.php?showtopic=378184
Eesti keele tõlge (veidi muudetud) by me

[Sokimeez]

Reeglid meestelt naistele!

1. Õpi kasutama WC prill-lauda! Sa oled juba suur tüdruk.Kui see on üles jäänud, siis pane see alla. Meil on tarvis, et see oleks üleval, kui sul on tarvis, et see oleks all, siis pane ta alla - meie ju ei vingu selle üle, et sina ta alla jätad?
2. Mõnikord me ei mõtle sinust. Ela selle teadmisega!
3. Pühapäevane sport... See on nagu täiskuu või lipsude vahetamine. Lase sel olla!
4. Ära lõika oma juukseid. Kunagi. Pikad juuksed on alati atraktiivsemad kui lühikesed. Üks suur põhjus, miks poisid ei taha abielluda, on see, et abielunaised lõikavad alati oma juuksed lühikeseks ja selleks ajaks oled sa juba temaga lõplikult seotud.
5. Shoping ei ole sport. Ja me ei hakka kunagi sellest ka nii mõtlema.
6. Nutmine on väljapressimine.
7. Küsi mida sa tahad. Et sulle oleks selge: kaudsetest vihjetest pole abi, otsestest vihjetest pole abi, ilmsetest vihjetest pole abi! Lihtsalt ütle mida sa tahad!
8. Me ei pea meeles kuupäevi. Märgi sünnipäevad ja tähtpäevad kalendrisse. Ja tuleta meile neid eelnevalt korduvalt meelde.
9. Enamus meestel on 3 paari kingi (kindlasti mitte
rohkem). Mis küll paneb sind arvama, et mees suudab nende seast valikut teha (v.a. et ei võta neid mis on määrdunud) ja valida välja sellised, mis sinu kleidiga sobiksid?
10. "Jah" ja "ei" on VÄGA head vastused peaaegu igale küsimusele.
11. Tule meie juurde ainult selliste probleemidega, milles me saame sind aidata. Seda me teeme. Kaastunnet pakuvad sulle sinu sõbrannad.
12. 17 kuud kestev peavalu on probleem. Mine arsti juurde.
13. Kõike, mida me oleme öelnud 6 kuud tagasi, seda ei tohi kasutada meie vastu tüli käigus. Kõik öeldu muutub nulliks ja seda eitatakse pärast 7 päeva möödumist.
14. Kui sa arvad, et sa oled paks - siis sa ka arvatavasti oled. Ära seda meilt küsi. Me keeldume vastamast.
15. Kui me ütleme midagi sellist, mida on võimalik mõista kahte moodi ja üks neist teeks sind kurvaks ja vihaseks - siis me mõtlesime seda teist moodi!
16. Sa võid meilt kas midagi paluda või öelda meile, kuidas sa tahad, et me seda teeksime! Aga mitte mõlemat korraga! Kui sa juba ise tead kõige paremini, kuidas seda teha, siis tee seda ise!!!
17. Kui võimalik, siis ürita öelda kõik, mis sul öelda on,
reklaamipausi ajal!
18. Chirstopher Kolumbus ei vajanud juhendeid - samuti ei vaja meie!
19. Meie, mehed, näeme ainult 16 värvi - nagu Windowsi algseades on! Virsik näiteks on puuvili mitte värv! Kõrvits on hoopis juurvili! Ja me isegi ei tea mis on helehall!!!
20. Kui miski asi sügeleb siis tuleb seda kratsida. Meie teeme seda!
21. Me ei ole mõtete lugejad ja me ka ei saa selleks
kunagi. Ja see, et me seda ei oska, ei ole mingi tõend sellest, et me ei hooliks sinust!
22. Kui me küsime, et mis on valesti ja sa vastad, et "ei midagi" siis me ka käitume nii, nagu midagi ei ole valesti. Me teame, et sa valetad aga pole ka mõtet edasi rabeleda.
23. Kui sa küsid midagi, millele sa vastust ei taha - siis oota sellist vastust, mida sa kuulda ei tahaks.
24. Kui me peame minema kuhugi, siis kõik mida sa selga tahad panna, sobib hästi. Tõesti!
25. Sul on piisavalt riideid.
26. Sul on liiga palju kingi.
27. Eksootilised välismaised filmid on parem jätta neile kes on välismaalased.
28. Õlu meie jaoks sama erutav, kui sinu jaoks käekotid.
29. Tänan, et sa seda lugesid. Jah, ma tean, et pean täna diivanil magama, aga tea, ega meil selle vastu midagi pole - see on nagu telkimine!
30. Ma olen alati vormis - sest ka ring on vorm!

[Dominus]

FBI,CIA and serbian police were competing who can catch a giraffe in africa faster.FBI catches it in 10 minutes.CIA in 5.The serbian police catches an elephant after 3 hours.The chief of the FBI asks them:
-guys,this is not girrafe,this is fucking elephant!
-the serbian commander takes his bat out,looks at the FBI agent,looks at the elephant and says:
-what the fuck are you?
-giraffe,giraffe i swear just dont beat me anymore!

Two kids are driving in subway.One says to the other:
-hey,do you know the difference between a cop and a pile of crap?
A cop,who was standing behind them,quickly grabs his arm and yells:
-yeah,what's the difference?
-there's no difference sir! ,says the terrified kid.
-That's what i thought! ,says the cop.

[j2nx]

Miilits kõnnib Peterburis pikki jõge....
järsku ujub junn jõepeal ja hõikab "Tervist ametivend!"
Ment kohkub, "Mis pagana ametivend ma sulle olen!"
Junn vastab " Noh me mõlemad oleme siseorganitest"

[bmwturbo]

Oli kord üks väike tüdruk, kes oli kole kui
öö. Tuli plikatirts jälle koolist koju, silmad pihus ja
joostes ema juurde: "Ema, ema, kõik koolis narrivad mind,
ütlevad et ma olen inetu ja et mul on nägu nagu pe*se!"
"Tütreke!" oli ema üllatunud "Sa oled kõige ilusam, kõige
kenam, kõige armsam! Mine küsi isa käest, isa teab kõike!"
Tõttas tirts issi manu, haaras tollel käest ja päris:
"Issi, issi, kõik lapsed koolis narritavad mind, ütlevad,
et ma olen kole, lausa vä*djas ja et mul on nägu nagu
pe*se!" Isa on nagu veits kohmetanud, sügab kukalt ja sõnab
siis: "Tütreke kaunike, inglike, oled kõikse ilusam, kõikse
nägusam. Kui sa mind ei usu, mine küsi vanaema käest."
Tormab tüdruk vanaema juurde. Juba kaugelt röögib üle kogu
kere: "Vanaema, vanaema, kõik koolis narrivad mind
koledaks, ütlevad et mul on nägu nagu pe*se!" Vanaema ei
tee pikka juttu, lohutab tütretütart, räägib talle kui
imeilus ta on ja saadab tirtsu vanaisa käest kinnitust
leidma. Vanaisa on väljas ja kaevab kaevu. On teise juba
päris sügavaks kaevanud, küürutab labidaga kaevu põhjas ja
pühib higi.
Tütreke läheb kaevu juurde, kummardub
raketele ja vaatab alla, ise hüüdes: "Vanaisaaa!" Vanaisa
ajab end vaevaliselt sirgu, vaatab vastu valgust üles ja
järsku röögatab: "Ku*at, ärge si*tuge siia, see on kaev!!!"

[artur-]

KUIDAS KARU PÜÜDA

Lähed metsa. Paned puu külge 2 meetrise poldi. Selle määrid meega kokku. Karu hakkab siis mee lõhna tundma ja läheb ligi. Suure isuga lakub polti kuni poldi ots pe*sest välja ulatub. Siis lähed kiiresti ligi ja keerad suure mutri otsa, et karu ära ei saaks joosta!

[HDvurle]

Kellassepa anekdoot. Kui õhtul kaks tundi taha ei keera, siis hommikul seisab.

[Mart352]

[HDTanel]

Spiderman 3?


Veel üks:


Haige


Veel saab siit vaadata http://explosm.net/comics/view.asp?id=112

[mihhkel]

pole nagu veel olnud...
eellugu: saksa keele tunnis oli teemaks 'ilusaim saksakeelne sõna'. kuna mul oli kiiresti sõna vaja (kodutöö tegemata ), ütlesin "Hottentottenmutter" (pärit alljärgnevast jutust, mida kunagi ammu lugenud olin) - mispeale õpetaja küsis, kas ta on meile "ühte teatavat" teksti näidanud (ei olnud) ja tuli siis varsti sellesamase tekstiga.
mõtlesin siis siia ka pista selle.
parima efekti saamiseks tuleks seda kas ise (pool)valjult lugeda või siis ette lugeda lasta.

Saksa keel on suhteliselt lihtne keel. Inimene, kes oskab ladina keelt ning omab oskust käänata, õpib selle ilma suuremate raskusteta ära. Sedasama kinnitavad kõik saksa keele õpetajad esimese tunni ajal.

Alustatakse der, des, den, dem, die jne õppimisega ning öeldakse, et kõik ülejäänu järgneb sellele loogiliselt. Lihtsus ise!
Et asja selgemalt esitada, toome ühe näite: esiteks tuleb osta saksakeelne raamat. Nt suurepärane nahkköites raamat, mis on trükitud Dortmundis ning räägib hotentottide (saksa k. Hottentotten) tavadest ja kommetest.

Raamat kirjeldab, kuidas kukkurrotid (Beutelratten) püütakse kinni ning pannakse puuri (Kotter), mis on kaetud riidega (Lattengitter) kaitseks ilmastiku vastu. Neid puure kutsutakse saksa keeles riidega kaetud puurideks (Lattengitterkotter) ning sellises puuris olevaid kukkurrotte Lattengitterkotterbeutelratten.
Ühel päeval arreteerisid hotentotid mõrtsuka (Attentater), keda süüdistati ühe rumala ning kogeleja (Stottertrottel) hotentotiema (Hottentottenmutter) tapmises.
See ema on saksa keeles Hottentottenstottertrottelmutter ning mõrtsukas Hottentottenstottertrottelmutterattentater.
Politsei püüdis mõrtsuka kinni ning pani ta kukkurrotipuuri (Beutelrattenlattengitterkotter), kuid mõrtsukas põgenes.
Otsekohe algas jälitus ning peatselt tuli üks valvuritest ja hüüdis: "Ma püüdsin mõrtsuka (Attentater) kinni!"
"Jah? Millise?" küsis ülemus.
"Lattengitterkotterbeutelratterattentateri," vastas valvur.
"Mida? Riidega kaetud kukkurrotipuuris oleva mõrtsuka?" küsis ülemus.
"Ei, selle Hottentottenstottertrottelmutterattentateri (inetu ning kogelejast hotentotiema mõrtsuka)," selgitas valvur.
"Ahaa, sa oleks võinud kohe öelda, et püüdsid kinni Hottentottenstottertrottelmutterlattengitterkotterbeutelrattenattentateri!"

Nagu siit näha võib, on saksa keel lihtne keel. On vaja ainult pisut huvi asja vastu.



siit leiab veel hästi paljudes keeltes (k.a saksa) sama teksti.

[gamzzz]

Dear Technical Support / Divorce on line,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,
which had used for years without any trouble. However, there are
apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution
was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other

applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. I tried a shareware
program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my
system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time,
but when the systems detected each other they caused severe damage
to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product

soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to
use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with
FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005. Shortly after this upgrade, however,
I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any
mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and
could not be deleted.

They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and
can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.

These latter products have no Help files and I have to try to guess what

the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating
regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and
Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive,

it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw,
which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress
2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the
fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your

Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please.

[NuCleo]

Väärt lugemine.


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I
don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your
physical needs as a man."

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several
different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her
new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she
asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, Let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either.

[MelesMeles]

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be
the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was
the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in
plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is
disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
"z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou"
and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl rite n styl

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

[Riivo]

Hallq jutu kinnituseks link
http://n0nst0p.on.masendav.org/euro-english.php

[Karr000]

Hitler kõnnib enne sõda Poolas ning väike armas poisu jookseb vastu.
"Mis su nimi on, poisu?"
"Petrov."
"Kui vana oled?"
"Ülehomme saan kümme!"
"Ei saa, poja...."

[aarnet]

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

[Iron miki]

Kolhoosi tuleb uus keevitaja . Esimeseks tööks antakse talle adra parandemine
Keevitab siis adra kinni ja traktor läheb põllule. 30 mintsa pärast traktor katkise adraga tagasi.
Laseb siis adra uuest kinni ja traktor jälle 30 mintsa pärast põllult tagasi.
Peale kolmandat keevitust tuleb traktor juba 15 mintsa pärast tagasi, ning kõik on päris kurjad juba, et
mis keevtiaja sa sihuke oled, keevitada üldse ei oska.
Keevitaja siis kohe vabandama, et tema oskab keevitada küll, venemaal keevitas ta allveelaevu, ning ükski neist ei tulnud tagasi.

[Ohohh]

Ühe Delfi kommentaatori kirjutatud:

Arvutiõpetaja lastele: Runnige IE, open url delfi.ee ja kopy-pastege see komment omale wordi. Seejärel savege dokument harddiskile ära. Nüüd võite kõik programmid kloseda ja arvutile turn offi teha. Tund tänaseks läbi, kohtume järgmine nädala at same time.

Minu arust hirmus naljakas. See on täpselt selliste kasutajate stiil, kes ütlevad, et kasutavad põhimõtteliselt ainult inglsekeelset tarkvara.

[Juhan88]

Heh..meie arvutiõpetaja on omaarust hull pro vend...räägib ka nii... Kõvaketta asemele ütleb HDD...seda lühendit peaaegu keegi klassis ei tea..peale minu ja veel mõne.
Üldse kasutab ta vahel nii raskeid sõnu, et jookseb ka ise oma lausetega ummikusse

[inzz]

Tüdruk saadab poisile kirja: "Tule homme minu juurde, kedagi pole kodus."
Järgime päev poiss läheb tüdruke juurde...
Ja kedagi pole kodus.

[obu90210]

Haige palatis heliseb telefon. Helistab raviarst:
"Vabandage, aga ma pean teid kurvastama, me leidsime teil süüfilise, AIDS-i, kollatõve, düsenteeria, pidalitõve, tripperi ja ebola."
Haige karjatab:
"Issand jumal! Aga te hakkate ju mind ikkagi ravima?"
"Muidugi hakkame! Alguseks määrasime me teile pannkoogidieedi."
"Aga kas see aitab?"
"Ässugi ta aitab! Aga pannkoogid on ainus toit, mis ukse alt sisse mahub!"

[me@homeq]

Väike poiss kuulis kuidas tema vanemad vaidlesid vihaselt:
"Lits" - karjus isa.
"Tõbras" - karjus ema.
"Mida see tähendab?" küsis väike poiss selle peale.
"Daamid ja härrad" - vastasid vanemad.
Järgmisel päeval olid vanemad magamistoas ja poiss kuulis:
"Oo millised rinnad"
"Mmm milline riist"
Jällegi tahtis poiss teada, mida vanemad ütlesid.
"Ee.. kübarad ja mantlid" - vastasid vanemad.
Järgneval päeval oli oodata külalisi.
Poisi isa ajas habet ning lõikas endale sisse.
"Sitt" hüüdis ta kohe.
"Issi, mida see tähendab?"
"See... on habemeajamiskreemi nimi."
Poisi ema aga lõikas samal ajal kana lahti ja lõikas endale kogemata sõrme:
"Kepp küll" karjatas ema.
"Emme mida see tähendab?"
"Eee.. see tähendab, et ma lõikan kana."
Helises uksekell ja väike poiss jooksis külalistele vastu:
"Tere tulemast piixud ja tõprad, riputage oma rinnad ja riistad varna. Isa määrib praegu sitta oma näole ja ema on köögis ning kepib kana.

[jaani8]

Bussis sõidab vindine mees. Üks naine hakkab teda hurjutama:
"Te olete purjus! Te olete ropult purjus! Te olete rõvedalt purjus!"
Joobnu silmitseb naist pealaest jalatallani ja põrutab siis vastu:
"Teil on kõverad jalad! Teil on ropult kõverad jalad! Teil on rõvedalt kõverad jalad! Aga mina olen homme kaine!"

[raxz]

"MISSID" tuleks "MALAISIAST" "BUSSIGA" "TENERIFELE" "BAARI" sõidutada, vot siis oleks alles "LIHTNE ELU"

[-angerjas-]

4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young
blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's
the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the
tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on
his cheek.

The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the
dark and she slapped him"

The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle
me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"

The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in
the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"

The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon

so I can slap that French twat again"

[hmekk]

miks ei peeta venemaal f1 võistlusi
vastus: seal mitte ei vahetatta 5 sekundiga kumme, vaidvärvitakse ära ja müüakse maha

[neros]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma comefirst. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abou ta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'."

[mihhkel]

IRW
(meenutab natuke seda: "The Italian guy who went to Malta")





keegi "Jah, härra peaministrit" vaatas täna? järjekordne irregular verb:
I give confidential briefings,
you leak,
he is being prosecuted under section 2A of the Official Secrets Act.
(eestikeelset tõlget ei mäleta )

ja veel sarnaseid:

I have an independent mind,
you are eccentric,
he is round the twist.

I am a genius,
you are a pretty smart fella,
he thinks he knows everything.

Men find me irresistable,
you are developing a reputation,
she is a slut.

I married a man who could support our children,
you only want him for his money,
she is no better than a whore.

I am beginning to show character in my face,
you are starting to show your age,
she is a poor raddled old hag.

I am a perfectionist,
you are a little fussy,
she is a control freak.

I am tactful,
you are economical with the truth,
he is a bare-faced liar.

I like my job,
you work too much,
he is a workaholic.

I am a freedom fighter,
you are a bit of a radical,
he is an internationally wanted terrorist.

I give my children space to make their own decisions,
you are very patient with your offsprings,
her kids are hooligans.

I use all the available time,
you are not very punctual,
he would be late for his own funeral.

I am not afraid to express my opinions,
you are talkative,
he never shuts up.

I like to experiment with new ideas,
you have an intellectual sense of adventure,
he would try 'anything', and not just once.

...and last but not least:

I have an extraordinary handwriting,
you shouldn't write in such a hurry,
he is a doctor.


mõnevõrra muudetud kujul pärit siit (esimene "Jah, härra peaministrist"). kas on tõlget ka vaja?

[.Scorps.]

[me@homeq]

Jokkis mees kirjutab liikluspolitseis seletuskirja:
--Sõidan mina rahulikult mööda teed, kui äkki hakkavad puud üle tee jooksma. Keerasin küll ühele, küll teisele poole ning kõik puud jõudsid ilusti üle. Ainult viimane jäi pisut hiljaks...--

Kaks blondiini on lennujaamas. Vaatavad üht lennukit ja üks ütleb teisele:
"Vaata, kui suured lennukid on! Ei tea, kuidas need lennukiröövid neid röövivad?"
Teine ütleb talle:
"Loll oled vä? Loogiline ju! Neid röövivad siis kui nad lendavad ja kui nad väiksed on, saad aru vä?!"

Juku mängib sõpradega hämaras väljas, kui järsku märkavad eemal aknast valgust. Liginevad, piiluvad sisse ja näevad, kuidas nägus neiu lahti riietub.
Järsku jookseb Juku ummisjalu minema. Teised jõuavad lõpuks järgi, siis küsivad:
“Mis sul ometi hakkas, kuhu nii kiire äkki?”
“Noh, mu ema ütles kunagi, et kui ma kas või vaatan midagi riivatut, muudab Jumal mu kõvaks kiviks. Ja kui ma nüüd aknast sisse vaatasin, tundsin altpoolt, et hakkab pihta…”

[punktiir]

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said,
c:?>Let there be light
Enter user id.
c:?>God
Enter password.
c:?>Omniscient
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:?>Omnipotent
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:?>Technocrat
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
c:?>Let there be light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:?>Create light
Done
c:?>Run heaven and earth
And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
c:?>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:?>Create firmament
Done.
c:?>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
c:?>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and
let the dry land appear and
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
c:?>Create dry_land
Done.
c:?>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
c:?>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:?>Create sun_moon_stars
Done
c:?>Run sun_moon_stars
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
c:?>Create fish
Done
c:?>Create fowl
Done
c:?>Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged
fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
c:?>Create cattle
Done
c:?>Create creepy_things
Done
c:?>Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:?>Create man
Done
c:?>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and
have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and
over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
Too many command operands. Try again.
c:?>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors.
c:?>Insert breath
Done
c:?>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
c:?>Move man to Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden does not exist.
c:?>Create Garden.edn
Done
c:?>Move man to Garden.edn
Done
c:?>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
c:?>Copy woman from man
Done
c:?>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
c:?>Create desire
Done
c:?>Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:?>Create freewill
Done
c:?>Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:?>Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
c:?>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:?>Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:?>Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:?>Create good, evil
Done
c:?>Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
1 errors.
c:?>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.
c:?>Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
c:?>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:?>Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again
c:?>Break
c:?>Break
c:?>Break
ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING
DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE
MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
c:?>Create new world
You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
before new ones can be created.
c:?>Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
c:?>Destroy earth confirmed
COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME
SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
12:00:01 AM, Sunday, March 8 God created Macintosh