[Ohohh]

Protsessor töötab tänu maagilisele suitsule, mis sinna sisse on topitud. Kui see välja lasta, siis enam ei tööta...

[.Scorps.]

Lugege.. On küll pikk, aga pärast hirnute herneks!

This (true?) story dates from 1940:

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love.

When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weigh to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on.

He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table.





Doctor's True Incident:
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Kui sellest ei piisanud, siis siit saate lisa.

[olc]

Baltimaade tolliametnike kokkutulek. Muuhulgas küsitakse neilt, kui kaua tuleb neil töötada, et endale BMW osta. Leedukas mõtleb veidi:
"Hmm, 2 aastat vist."
Lätlane pakub 1 aastat. Eestlane peab pikalt aru ja vastab siis:
"5 aastat!"
"Nii kaua!" imestavad teised.
"Nujaa," vastab eestlane, "aga BMW on ju suur firma ka..."

[tarc]

Läheb mees poodi ja küsib 2 seepi.
"Seepi!", imestab müüja, "aga kas teil üldse vesi on sees?"

Läheb mees jälle poodi ja küsib 3 koerakonservi.
"Koerakonservi!", imestab müüja, "aga kes teil üleüldse koer on olemas?"

Kolmandal päeval läheb mees poodi, väiksemapoolne kotike kaasas.
"Pistke käsi sisse, öelge, mida te tunnete?", ütleb ta müüjale.
"...pehme, soe, ... mõned tükid sees..."

"Vat nii", ütleb mees, "ja nüüd andke mulle rull tualettpaberit"

[Juhan88]

Tuleb poeg koolist ja küsib vanematelt:
"Mis on minett?"
Vanemad kerges segaduses, ent kiire nõupidamise järel otsustavad, et parem ikka kodune seletus, muidu saab veel kusagilt valeinfot.
Ema:
"Minett on see, kui võetakse suhu..."
Isa virutab emale ribide vahele:
"Loll, minett on see, kui antakse suhu! Meil kasvab poeg!"



Eesti jalgpallikoondis mängib Brasiiliaga. Neli minutit mängitud teatab Brasiilia treener:
"Mehed, siin pole meil kambaga midagi teha! Jätame Ronaldo üksi platsile ja lähme jooma!"
Jääbki Ronaldo üksi Eesti vastu platsile ja teised lähevad jooma. Tulevad kõik mängu lõpuks tagasi ja avastavad, et seis on 1 : 1. Treener vihastab:
"Ronaldo, kurat! Mis jama see on?"
Ronaldo vabandab:
"Aga ma sain kuuendal minutil punase kaardi!"



Kuulutus ajalehes:
LEITUD RAHAKOTT KOOS VAEVATASUGA. AITÄH!


Ajakirjanik küsib 100-aastaselt mehelt:
"Kuidas on sellesse ikka jõuda? Mida te vananemisest üldse arvate?"
"Jah, see vanadus... Põhiliselt on 3 probleemi: 1. mälu pole enam see mis enne, 2. nägemine pole enam see mis enne, 3. mälu pole enam see mis enne..."


Armeenia raadiolt küsitakse, kas kehaliste ebaproportsioonide tõttu võib vangi sattuda.
Vastus: jah, kui on pikad näpud, aga lühikesed jalad.


Mika Häkkinen testis Williams'it!
Kas Venus't või Serena't?


Jalutab mees nudistide rannas, kui äkki märkab suurt silti:
"Hoidu homode eest!"
Veidi aja pärast samasugune. Edasi jalutades näeb ta aga rohu sees väikest metallplaati, kuhu on kribukirjaga midagi kirjutatud. Ta kummardab ning loeb:
"Vabandust, aga Sind hoiatati kaks korda!"


Noormees saadeti mereväkke teenima. Näeb et kajuti seinale on joonistatud alasti naine ja puuritud auk kuhu vaja. Seina ees aga seisab pikk madruste järjekord. Noormees läheb kapteni juurde ja küsib:
Kas ma tohin ka proovida?
Kapten ulatab talle preservatiivi ja ütleb: Muidugi!
Seisab siis verivärske madrus järjekorra ära ja proovib ka:
Oh saa, nagu päris!
Läheb kapteni juurde tagasi ja küsib:
Kas ma tohin veel proovida?
Kapten:
Aga milles küsimus, proovi palju tahad!
Madrus:
"Aga kas ma homme ka tohin?;
Palun, pole mingit probleemi!
Aga ülehomme?
Nii palju kui tahad!
Aga üle ülehomme?
Aga üle ülehomme ei saa, siis on sinu kord seina taga seista!



Jällegi DELFIst.

[khan]

Q. What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner ?
A. The drunk will drive through a stop sign while the stoner will wait for it to turn green.


TEN REASONS WHY "SCOOBY DOO" WAS A DRUG-INFLUENCED CARTOON:
Scooby and Shaggy were always being freaked out by ghosts and ghouls, but no one else saw them before Scoob and Shaggy.
Scooby and Shaggy always had the munchies.
Shaggy always thought Scooby was talking and was the only one who could hear him and understand him.
Scooby and Shaggy always fell into the trap that was intended for the monster because they were tripping over themselves and couldn't see where they were going.
They were always deluded and warped by thinking they were dressed up in some costumes and entertained the monster.
Shaggy always said "like" to the extreme, i.e. "like ZOIKS, Scoob, let's get outta here!!" What's a ZOIK?
Scooby and Shaggy were always the ones in the back of the van (doing who knows what).
They drove around in the MYSTERY MACHINE, which had that weird trippy design on it's side.
Shaggy and Scooby were always giddy and laughing.
Look at Shaggy; the way he dressed, his goatee, etc., 'nuff said.


A stoner called the fire department and said, "Come quick my house is on fire!" The Fireman asked "How do we get there?"
The stoner says "DUH, the big red truck!"


This is a story to tell someone when they're high.
Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you to stand behind you to tell you something I know nothing about. Thursday, which is Good friday, we're having a Father's Day party for mother's only. Admission is free, pay at the door, pull out a chair and sit on the floor.


A stoner finds a poor person on the street and helps him up. The poor person says, "Son, I'm a genie. And since you helped me I'll give you three wishes."
The stoner says, "I want a six-inch joint!" The genie says, "Okay!" POOF! They stuff a six-inch joint and smoke it between the two of them. "What's the second wish? asks the genie. "I want a twelve-inch joint," says the stoner. "Okay," says the genie. POOF! And they stuff it and smoke it between the two of them. "And the third wish?" "I want a twenty-inch joint!!" POOOF!! So, they stuff it and smoke it between the two of them. Finally, the genie gets up and says, "Okay, it's time for me to go."
The genie takes a couple of steps, pauses, turns around and says, "Okay, just one more wish."



There's a stoner and a super genius sitting on a bench waiting on a bus. The genius gets bored, leans over to the stoner and says, "Hey I'll tell you what, I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you have to give me five bucks. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I have to give you fifty bucks." The stoner says, "Alright, Man." The genius asks the stoner, "What is the Pythagorian Theory?" The stoner replies, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks. "Okay," the stoner says, "What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down?" The genius thinks real hard and finally gives up. he hands the stoner fifty bucks and then asks, "So, what is the answer?" The stoner says, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks.


Q: How do you hide pot from a hippie?
A: Put it in his work boots.
Q: How do you hide money from a hippie?
A: Put it under the soap.

[pistong]

[Vops]

Elevant ja sipelgas olid suplemas. Elevant oli juba kaelani vette roninud, kui sipelgas kaldalt äkki
hüüdis:
"Elevant, tule veest välja!"
"No kuule," pahandas elevant, "alles sain vette ja juba tule välja!"
"Ma ütlesin - tule välja!"
Elevant koperdaski kaldale. Sipelgas silmitses teda viivu ja teatas siis:
"Hea küll, võid vette tagasi minna."
"Mis kuradi pärast ma üldse pidin välja ronima?" läks elevant vihast roheliseks.
Sipelgas selgitas:
"Ma tahtsin ainult vaadata ega sa mu ujumispükse pole jalga pannud.“

[noface]

Mutikesel probleem – WC ei funktsi korralikult. Helistab siis santehnikule, too tuleb, takseerib, heidab siis põlvili ning tõmbab lurinal kogu olluse sisse. Kuristab veidi ning siis plartsti! kõik põrandale. Kogu lainetuse keskel lebab väike nuttev tüdruk.
“Nii!” teatab santehnik mutikesele. “Siin on ummistuse põhjus!”
“Mis põhjus,” nuuksub tüdruk, “ma elan korrus allpool ja ainult pissisin…”

[tarc]

Naine ootab kodus meest.. mees on 3 päeva kalal olnud, pole ise endast märku andnud, ei võta telefoni - ei mingit infot!
Lõpuks tuleb koju.. sõbrad tassivad teadvusetuks joonud mehe kahevahel üle ukse ja viskavad voodile ning lahkuvad.
Naine mõtleb, mis siis ikka teha.. võtab mehel kingad jalast, seejärel püksid ja vaatab - mehel kumm võlli otsas! Mõtleb krt ma sulle teen kalalkäiku.. võtab kummi maha ja topib selle mehele persse.. paneb püksid jälle jalga, kingad jalaotsa.
Mõne aja pärast hakkab mees liigutama. Naine hakkab näägutama - krt jälle kolm päev kadund, kus käisid? Mees poriseb vastu, et jäta järele, kalal käisin ning läheb dushi alla.
Natukese ajapärast hüüab naine ukse vahelt, et kuidas sõpradega kalal kah oli.. tükk aega on vaikus, siis mees ütleb vaikselt - mul pole enam sõpru..

-------------

Vanamees sõidab rongiga ja otsustab suitsetama minna. Tõuseb toolilt ja siirdub tamburisse, võtab taskust piibu ja hakkab sellesse tubakat toppima.
Mööda läheb kontrolör, seisatab ja küsib: "Suitsetate?"
Mees: "Ei, topin piipu tubakat."
"Aga ettevalmistused käivad ju?"
Mõne tunni möödudes näeb mees kontrolöri, kes teeb endale kiluleiba ja küsib:
"Situte?"
"Ei, teen kiluleiba."
"Aga ettevalmistused käivad?"

[asus_cusl2]

Daam siseneb kallisse autosalongi ja märkab kohe oma unistuste autot. Ta astub masina juurde, avab ukse, silitab õrnalt nahkistmeid... ja äkki laseb kogemata kuuldavale valju puuksu. Daam vaatab kähku ringi lootuses, et kedagi läheduses pole, aga nagu neetud, seisab tema selja taga juba müüja.

"Millega saan kasulik olla, madam?"
"Ma sooviksin teada selle auto hinda."
"Madam," ütleb müüja naeratades,
"kui juba ainuüksi selle masina puudutamine võttis teil peeru lahti, siis arvan, et kui hinda kuulete, situte end päris täis."


***


Kord läks punamütsike vanaema juurde. Nägi et hunt on põõsa all. Punamütsike küsib: "Hunt, miks sul nii suured hambad on?"
Hunt on vait.
"Aga hunt, miks sul nii suured silmad on?"
Hunt vastab ähkides: "Ma kakan!"


***


Blondiin läheb linna, et endale krokodillinahast saapaid osta. Poest ta aga neid ei leidnud, ning poemüüja soovitas naljatledes tal ise mõni krokodill kinni püüda. Õhtul koju sõites nägi see sama müüja, et seisabki blondike soos, puusadeni vees, püss käes. Järgmisel hetkel märkab ta üht krokodilli blondi poole ujumas ja mõtleb, et nüüd on küll blondiinikesega lõpp. Siis aga kõlab pauk, blond tirib krokodilli veest välja, viskab kulm kortsus selle teiste hulka hunnikusse ning lausub vihaselt: "Kurat, sellel kah pole saapaid jalas!"



***




Mees sõidab autoga ja annab kõrvalistuvale litsile suhu. Kõige mõnusamal hetkel võtab kätega naise kõrvadest kinni ja ohkab.

Samal hetkel kaotab mees auto juhitavuse ja teeb avarii. Tulnud uuesti meelemärkusele näeb mees mõlemas käes kõrvu ja küsib naljatades kohale´jõudnud pealtnägijatelt: "Kas te siin üht kõrvadeta litsi ei ole näinud."

Üks vastab talle:"Kas sa mõtled seda kes seal puu all surnult lebab ja ühe mehe m... suus on."


***

Tulnukad leiutasid 600-kraadise piirituse. Ise ei julgenud proovida ja tulid Maale. Ameerika prükkar suri pitsitäiest, Inglismaa prügikastimehega sama lugu. Lähevad Venemaale ja vaatavad, et üks traktorist sõidab traktoriga. Lähevad ligi ja ütlevad: "Noh, valame sulle ka pitsikese või mis?"
Venelane võtab põuest suure morsiklaasi ning ütleb: "Valage täis!"
Jõi ära ja kündis edasi. Tulnukad vaatavad, et künnab, künnab, tuleb traktorist välja ning hakkab tagumikku vastu mulda hõõruma ja nii mitu korda järjest. Tulnukad küsivad, et mis tal viga, et ta nii teeb? Venelane vastab, et nii kui kärtsu peeru paneb läheb puhvaika põlema...




Pärit uno.ee-st. Seal on neid veel.

[rauuul1]

Talus hakkasid kanad äkki suuremaid mune munema,
peremees vaatas ilusaid suuri kanamune ja kiitis kukke,
lubas isegi premeerida kukke selle eest. Kukk vastas seepeale,
et preemia võtan ma vastu küll, aga kalkuni raisal taon tati viltu.

[naaskel]

Kunagi ennemuistsel aal sündis tsuktsimaal tark poisslaps. Mõnitades ja häbistades aeti ta suguharust minema. Nii tekkisid maailma jaapanlased.

[.Scorps.]

Olnd kord üks mees. Nii kõva mees olnd, et vasema käega löönd hobuse maha, paremat kart isegi.

[kodanik2]

Õige naise leidmine on väga lihtne, valel on lühikesed jalad!

[DeathCommando]

Kirp astub ülbelt kinnisvarabüroosse, taskud paksult raha täis. "Sooviksin uut kodu, VIP tasemega!" Maakler vaatab talle mõtlikult otsa, sobrab paberites ja küsib: "Kas M. Laari habe sobib?" "All right! Kolin kohe sisse!" Järgmine päev vantsib kirp tusase näoga tagasi. "Kas ei sobinud? Polnud piisav tase?" küsib maakler. "Ei, tase oli nagu hea, aga need toidujäätmed habemes ja see võigas lehk..." "No siis otsime midagi muud..... mmm.... kas L. Leesi kubemekarvad sobivad? Puhtus on garanteeritud!" "Good! Kolin kohe sisse!" ja kirp punub oma kohvritega minema. Järgmine päev - kirp jälle tagasi. Silmad punased, kere lontis. Maakler küsima: "Mis siis see kord viga on? Kas see polnud piisavalt hea koht? Võtke teatavaks, paremat meil pole!" Kirp tõstab oma piinatud pilgu ülesse: "Ei-ei, ärge solvuge, kõik oli nagu OK... ainult et, magama läksin ma Leesi kubemekarvadesse aga ärkasin, raisk, jälle Laari habemes..."

[tarc]

natuke mõtlemist ehk
pärast minetti üritab tüdruk järjekindlalt poissi suudelda, aga lootuse juhtum.
-ei saa teist meestest aru. pärast enda oma pole te nõus, aga pärast teiste oma teil vahet pole.

[HDvurle]

Endisel hiina liidril Deng Xiao Pingil oli spordihullust vend Do Ping.

[Max Powers]

[Negative]

Pole just päris anekdoot, aga mind ajas naerma

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."
8)

[lennu]

Siin on lõpuks ometi üks korralik Kettkiri.

Erinevalt tavalistest kettkirjadest ei ole siin midagi kaotada, vaid ainult võita!

Saada see kiri edasi 9 sõbrale (kindlasti meesterahvastele, mitte naistele).

Õpetus:

Paki oma naine/tüdruksõber suurde kasti. Ära unusta õhuauke ja saada nimekirjas esimesel kohal olevale inimesele. Varsti on sinu nimi esimene ja siis saadetakse sulle 823 542 naist.

Statistika järgi on seal hulgas:
0,5-1 Miss Worldi
2,5-3 supermodelli
463 metsikut nümfomaani
3 234 sitaks ilusat nümfomaani
20 198 multiorgastilist naist
40 197 biseksuaalset naist

Üldse on sinu käsutuses 64 294 palju kiimasemat, leidlikumat ja kenamat naist kui see nõid, kes sul juba kodus olemas on. Kõige vingem on see, et originaalsaadetis ei jõua kunagi sinu juurde tagasi, garanteeritud.

HOIATUS!

Ära katkesta ketti!

Üks mees, kes seda tegi, sai oma naise tagasi, samas vanas öösärgis, aga palju tigedamana, sest ta oli 3 nädalat pappkastis istunud. Peale selle pidi mees saatma edasi sõbrale uue Supermodelli, kelle ta just oli koju saanud.

Sa pead sellesse meili uskuma. See on parim võimalus parandada seksivärki ilma kallite õhtusöökide ja mõttetute jutuajamisteta.

Praegu, kui mina seda kirja edasi saadan, on 6. mees nimekirjas saanud juba 837 naist ja tal on garaazis veel 452 avamata kasti.

[mad]

DeathCommando, ise olen kuulnud sellist varianti, kus kirp tahab üle ameerika(??) rännata. no algaja mees esimese korraga astub ämbrisse - satub mootorraturi habemesse. külm on. tuuline ka. magada ei saa sest motikas raip möliseb ja koliseb. no kui siis järgmine kord reisile minek on kavalam ja läheb lennujaama ootesaali baari. valib ilusa stjuuardessi välja.läheb siis selle ilusa stjuuardessi ****... heidab kenasti heas soojas kohas magama. no ja ärkab jälle mootorraturi habemes...

[punktiir]

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.
The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

[Henry]

http://www.hot.ee/ht3/nalja.mp3

[Kirchhoff]

K: Kus õpivad noored h4xX0rid?
V: L33tk00lis.

[Taavi_R]

Kumb on raskem kas 1KG udusulgi või 1KG rauda? ... Jah!

Aga kumb on suurem kas 1GB muusikat (mp3) või 1GB pilte (jpg)?

[heas]

Mees läheb pubisse. Võtab ühe klaasi teise järel, kuni pubi pannakse kinni. Hakkab mees koju minema, kuid nii kui ta toolilt maha saab, kukub ta pikali.
Proovib siis püsti tõusta, aga ei saa, kukub jälle pikali. Roomab siis ukseni ja proovib uuesti üles tõusta, ikka ei saa. Roomab siis kuidagi vaevu koduni, trepist üles, tuppa, voodisse.
"Käisid joomas jälle, jah ?" küsib naine hommikul
"Kust sa seda võtad?!" vastab mees
"Sa jätsid oma ratastooli jälle pubisse!"

[Dealer14]

Mõned päevad tagasi sattusin kasutama ühistransporti. Pressinud ennast pilgeni täis autobussi, hakkasin uurima võimalusi pileti augustamiseks. Paistab, et ise ei küüni kompostrini, noh, selge siis, et tuleb pilet edasi anda. Vaatan enda ees seisvat meesterahvast ja mõtlen: kuidas tema poole pöörduda, kas sinatades või teietades? Mõtlen loogiliselt.
Tegemist on ekspressbussiga, seega kui see meesterahvas eelmise peatuses maha ei läinud, siis järelikult sõidab ta minu linnaossa. Sõidab, lilled peos, järelikult naise juurde. Lilled on ilusad, järelikult ilusa naise juurde. Linnaosas, kus elan, on ainult kaks ilusat naist: minu abikaasa ja minu armuke. Minu armukese juurde see mees ei saa sõita, kuna parajasti sõidan ise tema juurde. Järelikult sõidab ta minu naise juurde. Minu naisel on kaks armukest: Pets ja Tiit. Pets ei saa see olla, kuna ta on ära Rootsis töölähetusel, seega:
"Näh, Tiit, löö pilet läbi!"
"Kust Teie mind tunnete?!"

[No_Limit]

3 tallekest peavad üksi koju jääma tallekeste ema läheb minema ja ütleb, et ärge hunti sisse laske,ukse parool on "ime tissi".
Hunt on nurga taga ja kuuleb seda. Tallekeste ema läheb ära!
Hunt läheb ukse juurde ja ütleb peene häälega "ime tissi"! Üks tallekestest vastab "Sina hunt võid m*nni imeda meil on uksesilm".

[No_Limit]

Eestlane, soomlane ja neeger lähevad sauna. Kes esimesena välja tuleb maksab joogid ja piixud kinni.
100 kraadi ja poisid istuvad, istuvad siis, ja neeger mõtleb endamisi "Kurat sitahäda tuleb peale, aga pean ära kannatama".
120 kraadi, ikka kõik istuvad ja neeger mõtleb "Aii räme sitakas, aga ei, pean kannatama".
140 kraadi, neeger enam ei kannata ja hakkab laval sittuma, selle peale röögib soomlane: "Voi piixu, neeger sula"

[Nganasan]

üks nali elust enesest Saaremaalt:
Läks üks juba soliidses eas meesterahvas endale autot liisima, mõtles, et mis sest raha ikka korraga letti laduda, lihtsam vaikselt maksta iga kuu.
Autosalongis siis müüjad arutasid omavahel tükk aega ja ütlesid: Kahjuks ei saa te sellise palga juures endale seda autot liisimiseks lubada. Mees siis seepeale ütles: No mis siis ikka, eks ma ostan kohe välja ja pani summa lauale.

[MelesMeles]

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can
top this one: Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter
how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks
I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway,
because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned
that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to
coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to
explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly
because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was
taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to
me from the kitchen, "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please
come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the
shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!" "But I'm scared!"
she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a
meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent
outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as
extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head
under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember
performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my
circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing
metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating
dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised
around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the
precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I
unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all
rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at
a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from
my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or
flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight"
option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the
air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are
not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the
kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that"
paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the
paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all
the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter... ... and not
succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back
in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of
me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to
talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got
your tongue?" If they only knew!!!

/Why is it that women laugh the loudest at this?

[MelesMeles]

Jätkuks mõni leht eelpool olnud tõsielulistele lennukijuttudele..

=============================================

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

=============================================

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"

==============================================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."

==============================================

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a
hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are
not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the
lights and return to the airport."

===============================================

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the
problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained
the flight attendant.

"It took us a while to find a new pilot."

===============================================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."

===============================================

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern
702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

==================================================

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."


Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I
didn't land."

[dvd vader]

hmm... lennundus on üldse üks naljakas asi...

näiteks meilgi siin eestis on lennanud selline firma nagu vibroair. tema callsign on 'vitus'

ICAO Code: VIB
Known As: Vibroair
Full Name: Vibroair Flugservice Gmbh
Country: Germany
Callsign: Vitus
Web Site: www.vibroair.de

siis soomlased on ka mingid naljavennad... nad on teinud omale sellise waypointi nagu 'tildo'
http://www.fallingrain.com/waypoint/FI/TILDO.html

mõnikord on lennanud siit üle mõni lennuk bahama saartele, sealse nassau lennujaama kood on MYNN

[.Scorps.]

Juua võib mõistuse piires, aga juba Einstein ütles, et inimmõistus on piiritus

******************************************

Ülemus küsib töötajalt:
"Miks te j o oksit e, viinanina?" parim porno: www.porn.com
"Sellepärast, et vii(n)ul on vedel. Kui ta tahhke oleks, siis ma nääriksin.


Kolmas nali tuleb siis, kui selle teksti oma kodulehele kopeerite...

[LightsabeR]

Why I fired my secretary...

Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember...

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.



So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent...

As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had
remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day."Let's go!"

We went to lunch.

We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom. "Sure!" I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake

...followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.


And I just sat there....








on the couch....








naked.

PS! Sry et tõlkida ei viitsinud..

[siLc]

See viimane oli parim
Ei tea kas juba läbi käind aga:
Mees astub sadomasopoodi ja küsib müüjalt mis neil on.
Müüja vastab: "Palun - piitsad, nahad, ketid, rauad, piigid, pallid. Aga te soovite midagi ekstreemsemat? Aga palun - Eesti jalgpallikoondise viimased mängud DVD-na"

[liivakas]

IBM otsusrab hakata tellima Jaapanist arvutidetaile, aga seab ranged tehnilised kvaliteedinõuded - iga 10000 detaili kohta tohib olla ainult 3 praakdetaili. Esimese Jaapanist saabunud partiiga on kaasas kiri: "Vabandage, aga me ei saa aru ameeriklaste äriideoloogiast! Sellegipoolest lisame igale 10000-le detailile 3 praakdetaili. Me pakendame nad eraldi spetsiaalse markeeringuga kasti. Loodame meie meeldiva koostöö jätkumist!"

[tarc]

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled "Spit it out! Spit it out, you BLOKE!"

[siLc]

[margusser]

aga ma töötan sellises kohas, kus bossid loevad internetti ja nad ostavad mulle koguaeg arvuti top-of-the-notch stuffi. jaa, mul on 4xlacie 500gb välist ketast + 8x170gbscsi ketast sees, sittakanti rami, nii palju rami et üle faking kasti ääre ajab. ventilaatoreid on terve tuba täis ning päris üks plasmaekraan on mul vä. mul on töölepingus lisaks kirjas, et kui aastal 2005 tuleb intelil 10 gigaherzine prose siis ma saan endale neid lausa neli tükki, ühe arvutisse, ühe autosse ja kaks vannituppa mullivanni raidi ajama. st kaks mullivanni aga näeb välja nagu üks kuid kaks korda rohkem inimesi mahub sisse. SITAKS kõva mees olen vot imege muna kuradi vaesed rotid siin. OH BEHAVE


Võtsin siitsamast HV-st mingi kõvaketta kommenteerimise lehelt
No mulle oli küll naljakas

[MelesMeles]

Metal naljad

Mees läheb arsti juurde ning kurdab: “Doktor, minul selline mure, et näen juba mitu ööd järjest üht ja sama und”.
Arst: “Ja mis und te siis näete?”
Mees: “Näen, kuidas hiired mängivad jalgpalli. Kas te saaksite mulle mõne rohu kirjutada?”
Arst: “Siin on teile rohi, mida saate kohe võtma hakata”
Mees: “Teate doktor, kohe täna ei saa ma seda võtma hakata, sest täna on neil finaalmäng”.

[Miki Hiir]

ma ei tea kas see on siit läbi käind aga:

Kaks abielunaist lähevad õhtul välja ja tõmbavad nina baaris täis
Kõnnivad koju ja lähevad läbi surnuaia. Mõlemal tuleb kange häda.
Kinni hoida ei jaksa. Otsustavad ära teha.
Millega pühkida? Üks pühib aluspükstega teine mingi suvalise tutiga mis pihku satub.
Järgmisel päeval saavad naiste mehed kokku
Esimene: Tead rohkem neid välja lubada ei või. Mul tuli eile koju ja aluspükse polnud jalas.
Teine: Ei või vist jah. Minu omal olid püksid jalas aga tagumiku vahel oli kaart. Kaardil oli: Me ei unusta sind kunagi. Soome Meeskoor.

[.Scorps.]

Mees saab jumala jutule.
Mees: "Jumal, mida tähendab sulle tuhat aastat?"
Jumal: "See tähendab mulle üks sekund."
Mees: "Mida tähendab sulle miljon dollarit?"
Jumal: "See tähendab mulle üks sent."
Mees: "Kuule ole hea, anna mulle üks sent."
Jumal: "Muidugi, oota üks sekund.."

[-Innu-]

[arsestar]

Kas pole armas

Koer kükitas natuke aega pargiteel ja jooksis siis minema. Temast jäi järele väike junnike.
“Oo, kui imeilus siin on! ” imestas see ja vaatas ringi. “Kui sinine on taevas! Kui rohelised on puud! Ja kui palju on siin ruumi! ”
“Kuule sina seal, ole ettevaatlik! ” manitses teda varblane. “Tule tee pealt ära, muidu mõni astub sulle peale! ”
Tõepoolest, juba lähenesid mööda rada kellegi jalad! Kaka kooberdas nii kiiresti kui jaksas murule.
“Oi, siin on veelgi kenam! ” rõõmustas ta. “Nii pehme ja mõnus. Rohulibled kõditavad lõua alt ja mesilased sumisevad. Ma korjan maha langenud lehti ja ehitan endale majakese. Siis istun seal sees, akna all ja imetlen loodust! ”
“Tead, kakajunn, ära sa siia keset muru küll maja ehita, ” õpetas varblane. “Siin sõidab vahel muruniitja. See müriseb koledasti ja lõikab kõik asjad tükkideks. Ohtlik asi! Sa mine parem sinna sirelipõõsa alla, sinna muruniitja ei pääse. Seal on hea rahulik elada.”
“Ole sa tänatud, tark lind! ” tänas kaka ja kõndis põõsa varju. Ta otsis puulehti ja oksakesi ning punus neist väikese onni. Seal oli hea istuda ja värsket õhku hingata.
Kaka meelest oli pargis väga huvitav. Lapsed jooksid ja viskasid teineteisele palli, vanaeided toitsid varblaseid ja tuvisid, koerad nuuskisid puid ja tõstsid jalga. Seda oli onni aknast põnev vaadata. Ainult külalisi kakal ei käinud ja sellepärast oli ta natuke kurb.
“Nii tore oleks mõne sõbraga juttu ajada ja koos aknast välja vaadata, ” mõtles ta. “Küll on kahju, et ma nii üksik olen. Vähemalt see varblane võiks vahel läbi tulla. Kas siis sobib sedasi sõpra unustada! ” Ta vaatas otsivalt ringi ja nägigi varblast. See kükitas koos oma naisega põõsaoksal ja toitis pesas piuksuvaid poegi. Kaka lehvitas vanale sõbrale ja varblane noogutas tervituseks, aga lähemale ei lennanud. Tal polnud praegu aega ühe koerakaka jaoks. Selle asemel kallistas ta oma naist ning kihutas poegadele uut toitu otsima.
“Tore kui ka minul oleks keegi, keda kallistada, ” mõtles kaka ohates.
Tasapisi saabus sügis ja siis tuli talv. Kaka majake jäi lume alla. Seal oli soe ja hubane, kaka jäi uniseks ning magas palju.
Kevadel sulas kaka lume alt välja. Ta ringutas ja võimles päikese käes. Kaka oli talve jooksul üleni valgeks läinud, aga tuju oli tal endiselt hea. Õhk oli nii värske ja kõikjal tärkasid esimesed lilled. Ja oh imet — üks võilill pistis oma nina mullast välja just tema majakese kõrval!
“Tere! ” ütles ta peenikese häälega. “Kas ma tohin siin õitseda? Ega ma ei sega teid?”
“Sugugi mitte! ” vastas kaka võlutult. “Te olete nii ilus! ”
“Oh, mis te nüüd! ” punastas võilill. “Ma olen täitsa tavaline.”
“Üldsegi mitte! ” hüüdis kaka. “Uskuge mind — ma olen siin elanud juba terve aasta, aga nii kollast ja käharat võilille pole varem näinud! Teate mis — tulge mulle naiseks! ”
Võilill punastas uuesti, aga oli nõus. Kohe peeti ka pulmad. Kaka ja võilill hakkasid koos elama. Nad armastasid teineteist väga ja kallistasid iga päev mitu korda, palju rohkem kui varblased.

[Taavi_R]

3. märts, Eesti Ekspress

Juhan Parts näeb, kuidas Rein Lang toksib arvutisse oma parooli. Juhan ütleb Reinule: "Välisministril ei tohi olla nii lihtne parool, et ainult tärnid"

[idikas]

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR". Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters.He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded
a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"

[No_Limit]

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking. The first says, "I'm so hard, once ate a whole bag full of rat poison!"

The second says, "Well I'm so hard, once I was caught in a rat trap and I gnawed it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Bye guys, I'm off home to screw the cat…"

***********************************************************

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. This particular procedure involved grafting a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.

Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a bread roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.

The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"

Suddenly, the penis came back, took another bread roll and just as quickly disappeared.

The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw…can you do that again?"

With a strained smile the man replied, "Darling, I'd like to, but I don't think my arse can take another bread roll!"

**********************************************************

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.

At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his.

Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him.

He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

*************************************************************

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

[g3n1us]

Ma olen seda viimast nii kuulnud:

Perekonda sündis poiss. On ta juba 2.5 aastane ja pole ühtegi sõna öelnud. Ühel hommikul kuuleb isa poisi suust sõna, babuška. Järgmisel hommikul helistab vanaisa, et vanaema on surnud. Kahe päeva pärast ütleb poiss uue sõna, deduška. Järgmisel päeval helistatakse politseist, et vanaisa on surnud. Isa on juba suht närvis, et mis poiss järgmisena ütleb. Ühel õhtul kuuleb isa, kuidas poiss ütleb papa. Mehel kohe närv püsti, võtab pangast kõik raha välja, müüb aktsiad maha, läheb baari ja tellib omale õhtuks 2 litsi. Isa juba nädal aega head elu nautinud ja lõpuks otsustas koju minna. Ukse peal jookseb naine vastu ja ütleb, tead mis juhtus, naabrimees suri ära!