[Winterwind]

järgnevad koledad lood

[mTim]

[ROPPUS]How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.[/ROPPUS]

[mTim]

irw ühest blogist, irnusin päris kaua selle peale:

üks ütles:
Very many of estonians are also like old people. We called them - pensioners, cause they look like pensioners -Simple!
But one estonian is very young. This is mi son. He is about 3 years old. I tell him every evening - grow up! And he grows - it is a miracle!

teine ütles selle peale:
So your son is about in my age. Even though I'm not growing anymore. I'm getting smaller and smaller. It's like the same miracle but reversed.

[.Scorps.]

Inglane ja ameeriklane kiitlesid kumbki oma riigi saavutustega.
"Inglismaal on kõige kiiremad ja paremad habemeajajad maailmas!" teatas inglane.
"Jumal, kui mahajäänud te olete!" põlastas ameeriklane. "Meil Ameerikas aetakse habet juba ammu automaatides. Paned lõua avasse, lased kümme senti sisse ja paari minuti pärast on põsed puhtad."
"Aga igal inimesel on ju erinev lõug!"
"Esimesel korral küll."

[OFFF]

T2na IRCus r22giti:

Uksekell, häguste silmadega noormees loivab aeglaselt ukse juurde ja avab selle. Lävel politseinik:
"Tervist, naabrid kaebavad, et siit korterist levib põlenud kaltsude haisu ja kostub pidevalt naerupahvakuid. Millega te siin tegelete?"
"Hmm, kaltse põletame, naerame."

[punktiir]

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well, eightybucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!"

[Max Powers]

Tööst vabastamine erijuhtudel
Haigus:
Haigus ei ole vabandus. Ka teie arsti tõend ei loe. Kui te arsti juurde
saite minna, oleksite võinud ka tööle tulla.

Surmajuhtum perekonnas:
Pole põhjus. Surnu jaoks te nagunii enam midagi teha ei saa ja keegi teine
võib sama hästi vajalikud asjad korraldada.
Kui te matuse õhtusele ajale panete, oleme me valmis teid vabastama pool
tundi õigest ajast varem - eeldusel, et te olete oma tööga valmis.

Operatsioonid:
Meie töötajate elundite eemaldamine või muutmine on keelatud ja see rikuks
töölepingut. Me võtsime teid tööle sellisena, nagu te olete.

Hõbe- või kuldpulmad:
See pole mingi põhjus. Kui te 25 või isegi 50 aastat sama inimesega koos
elate, siis olge õnnelik, et võite tööl käia.

Sünnipäev:
See, et te sündisite, ei olnud teie teene. Seetõttu pole mingit põhjust,
miks te vaba päeva peaksite saama.

Lapse sünd:
Selliste äparduste eest pole meie asutus vastutav. Pealegi - te juba saite
lõbutseda.



--
Jõudis minuni e-kirjaga

[MelesMeles]

Mida sa ei soovi opilaual olles kuulda:

“Jäta see alles, lahkamisel võib vaja minna.“
“Oo Pimeduse Vürst, võta ta vastu!”
"Fuu, anna tagasi! Muki, pähh koer!"
“Hmm, oota-oota… Kui see on põrn, siis mis too on???”
"Ulata mulle noh, see asi…"
"Pagan võtaks: sinna nüüd läks mu Rolex…"
"Ups, kas 100 ml-ga on varem keegi ellu jäänud?"
"Kurrat, jälle see elekter jupsib…"
"Neerudel on tänapäeval kulla hind… Sul on mõlemad heas korras!"
"Siin mingi asi tuksub ja segab mu keskendumist…"
"Jälle ma unustasin oma prillid koju."
"Lahe! Kas su teine kehapool ka nii vibreerida suudab?"
"Mis? Ta ei tulnudki siia soovahetusopile?"
"Võtame nüüd selle aju ja siirdame ahvile.”
“Õde, tule pildistame teda siit… nüüd siit… Vahi, milline väärakas!”
"Sel patsiendil on ikka mõned lapsed või?”
"Õde, kas patsient nõustus vabatahtlikult organidoonoriks saama?"
"Tuli lahti! Kõik ruttu joostes välja!”
"Pagan, käsiraamatus on 24. lk. välja rebitud!"

[MelesMeles]

Rokkbänd mängib täiega ja laulja vaatab: oo, selle ja selle naise võtan ma pärast kontserti rajalt maha. Kitarrist kah vaatab: oi, kurat, ma olen nii mõnus mees. Bassimees mõtleb: C-G, C-G.


Kidramees läheb bassimehele külla ja kuuleb juba ukse tagant, kuidas sees käib ilge madin, bassimehe poiss karjub nagu ratta peal. Tõmbab ukse lahti, vaatab – bassimees ajab oma poega taga. «Mida sa teed?» küsib kidramees. Bassimees: «Näed, kurat, keeras mul pillil ühe keele häälest ära, aga ei ütle, millise.»

SL Öhtulehest.

[KENWOOD]

Orbikul on sünnipäev ja saab emalt kingi. Orbikousib kingi kallal tükkaega kuni saab paki lahti ja leiab sealt seest hüppenööri.
Ema: Tüng , vä*djas.

Mees tuleb sõjast koju ja naine küsib kuidas läks.
Mees : Teiseks jäime.

[madmel]

Benny Hillist jäi silma

"Sugudevaheline võrdsus on müüt...


...naised on etemad"

[Winterwind]

mees saab surma ja satub põrgusse.
on siis ilgelt nukker ja värki ja kardab räigelt.
tuleb siis vanakurat ligi ja teeb juttu.. esiteks siis küsib, et kuidas on ja värki.
mees vastu, et kardab piinamist ja tuju s*tt.
vanakurat sellepeale, et ära karda - ega tegelikult pole asi pooltki nii hull kui räägitakse.
ok, mölisevad siis natuke ja vanakurat küsib, et kas sulle suitsetamine meeldib?
mees vastu, et meeldib muidugi - ok, esmaspäevast tehakse siis suitsupäev,
kus proovitakse kõiki erinevaid marke ja värki, tõmba kasvõi end surnuks, vahet pole, surnud oled nagunii.

teisipäeval siis vanakurat küsib, et alkot ka tarbid? mees sellepeale "loomulikult!"
no teisipäev on siis alkopäev, juuakse kõike mida hing ihkab, kasvõi surnuks - vahet ju pole, nagunii surnud.

kolmapäeval vanakurat küsib, et narkot ka paned? mees jällegi "loomulikult!"
ok kolmap siis narkopäev, proovi mida tahad ja palju tahad.

neljapäeval tuleb jällegi vanakurat ja mees juba rõõmus, et huvitav mida jälle head saab.
vanakurat siis küsib kas hasartmängud ka meeldivad? mehel sigahea meel ja toimubki suurematsorti
mängumaania. mängi kasvõi võlgadesse, vahet ju pole - nagunii surnud.

reedel tuleb vanakurat jällegi mehe juurde ja küsib "kas sa homoseksualist oled?"
mees sellepeale "ei ole, loomulikult ei ole!!!"
kurat vastu "no siis täna läheb sul raskeks"




edit:

Mees avab korteriukse kella kolme paiku öösel. Esikus ootab teda närviline naine:
"Mis lollused need on? Sa oled päris segaseks läinud või? Vaata, mis kell sa koju tuled!"
"Aga kes Sulle ütles, et ma koju tulin. Võtan ainult kitarri ja kohe lähen!"

edit:

Mees tuleb tööreisilt koju ning avastab oma naise armukesega voodist.
Haarab seinalt kaheraudse ja kohe palja tilliga armukest kirbule võtma, kuid äkitse hüppab naine vahele ning kukub kisendama:
"Hull oled või, tahad oma lihase lapse isa maha lasta!"

edit:

Väike Johnny näeb, et tema sõbral on uus kell ja uurib, et kust ta selle sai.
"Ma ootasin, kuni kuulsin vanemate toas voodivedrude rütmilist kriuksumist
ja siis jooksin hooga nende tuppa. Isa andis mulle selle peale kella, et minust
lahti saada." Vastas väike sõber.
Väike Johnny arvas, et see on hea mõte, ootas samuti samal öösel kuni kuulis
voodivedrude kriuksumist ja seepeale jooksis oma vanemate magamistuppa.
"What do you want!", käratas isa pahaselt.
"I want a watch!", ütles Johnny.
"Okey, but sit down and shut up!".

ah mine ära

[MelesMeles]

A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding,even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway! The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, to her great fortune, Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

***

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage " Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Harley Davidson motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year (a pretty small salary) and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...''Try doing it with the engine running."

[alliance]

pole teemat läbi sirvinud aga...

[.Scorps.]

Kaks vangivalvurit vestlevad omavahel.
"Kuule, tead, see vägistaja 6. kongist põgenes eile!"
"Jaa, tean küll, see viilimine hakkaski juba närvidele käima!"

[alliance]

[Winterwind]

Andres läheb ema juude ja ütleb:
ema, tead ma abiellun.
ema vastu: kellega siis?
andres: viljariga
ema: aga viljar on ju poiss???
andres: no mis poiss ta enam on, ta sai ju eile juba 23 aastaseks


edit:

orbikutel on koolis ülemineku eksam neljandast klassist viiendasse,
kogutakse siis orbikud kokku, esimesse ritta pannakse istuma enamvähem normaalsed,
teise ritta "suht ok" vanad ja kolmandasse lauslollid.

esitatakse siis küsimus: nimetage koduloomi.
esimesest reast üks orbik karjub: "kass"
väga hea, said viiendasse.
teisest reast üks karjub: "jaaguar"
no enamvähem - pmst võib olla küll mõnel.
kolmandast reast siis üks orbik karjub: "veebruar"

[iceincube]

> A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get
> you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"
> responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating
> something?" "Yeah, my first blow*ob." "Well, in that case, let >> >
> me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6
> shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

http://kirves.pri.ee/Black%20Jokes.doc
ni*gga jokes, kahjuks natuke imelikult formattitud, kuid ei viitsind entereid vahele lüüa.

[punktiir]

What does DIANA stand for?
Died in a nasty accident.

Did you hear about the new Pink Floyd album?
"Another Brit in the Wall"

What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana?
A Mercedes will easily reach 40.



RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF !!!!!!!!!!


1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on the course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners have the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as are necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the hole again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course currently being played.Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring appropriate rain gear.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate to discover that someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the hole temporarily under repair. Players are cautioned to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however players should be prepared to play at a faster pace at the request of the course owner.

14. It is considered outstanding performance to play the same hole several times in one match, time permitting.

15. The course owner shall be the sole judge of who is the best player.



http://www.esatclear.ie/~irish.trade/funindex.htm

[Draax]

Stjuardess küsib reisijalt, et kas te süüa soovite?
reisija: a mis valik teil on?
stjuardess: no... ei või ja???

[Mihkel.]

Poiss ja tüdruk lähevad suvilasse. Tüdruk küsib poisilt: "kuule kas sa tead misasi see peenis on?"
Poiss vastab: "Ma võin sulle seda näidata." Ning tõmbab püksist välja.
Tüdruk vaatab ja ütleb: " Aaaaaaa.... see on nagu m*nn ainult väiksem.."

[Dianatrix]

MiXeR, see oli nii tegelikult, et mees tahab omale süütukest naist. Läheb esimese naise juurde siis. Näitab m*nni. Küsib, mis see on. Naine ütleb: "m*nn". Mees läheb teise naise juurde, kes näeb veel süütum välja. Näitab ja küsib, mis see on. Naine vastab: "m*nn". Läheb mees siis kolmanda naise juurde, näitab ja küsib jälle.. Naine punastab ja itsitades ütleb "ihii, see on n*ku!" Mees siis vaatab, et küllalt süütuke naine. Abielluvad ja hakkavad suguelu elama, naine aga iga kord itsitab ja mehe m*nni hüüab alati nokuks. Mehel saab kopp ette, ütleb naisele: "see pole mingi n*ku, see on m*nn!" Naine vastab: "eiei, see on n*ku, m*nn on palju suurem."

[MelesMeles]

A man goes into a diner and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbor. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too.

...

Four old men are on the golf course and got to discussing their sons.
The First man said "My son is a really succesful stock broker, just the other day, he gave his good friend a free portfolio."
Not to be outdone, the second man said "My son owns a very succesful Mercedes dealership, he gave his buddy a free car the other day."
"That's nothing" said the third, "My son is a very succesful realtor. He gave his friend a free house!"
The three friends then looks to the forth, who has been keeping quite all this time, He looks around a replies slowly "well, I'm not too proud of my son, he is a dancer at a gay go-go club. But atleast he is doing well though, just the other day he told me he got a free stock portfolio, a Mercedes and a house."

...

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be.

The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her.

"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this sweater!"

@ SomethingAwful

[Winterwind]

[iceincube]

Q: kuidas ajada naist voodis põõrdesse...
A: S.i.t.u ta pidzaamasse